If today was perfect, there would be no need for tomorrow!!

Back in Germany and finally haaaaappppppppppppppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyly in love <3

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 18:10:33 GMT

Hi guys.

Two weeks ago, I got back to Germany. I've got to admit that I would have loved to stay muuuuuch longer in Canada. I mean I had some troubles at the beginning, but then it just was like heaven on earth. Really, my last farm was like paradise :) www.eco-retreat.com <-- Have a look, you guys!

And now that I'm back I can't believe my luck. I MET HER. I finally met her. She is the most wonderful, most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I love her and she loves me and it feels like now that I have her, there's nothing that could go wrong anymore :)

Best wishes,
KiT

Me myself and I in C A N A D A

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 05:19:16 GMT

Hi guys.

I finally took some time to report about the latest happenings in my life.
So it's gonna be a lil'

Well where should I start?! I guess the beginning is always the best thing to get into a story, he?

Okay...I flew from Berlin to London and from there to Vancouver...You wanna know something?! Those damn planes were way too late - yeah, both of them. That's why I arrived in Van three hours later than orignally intended to. In London I fortunately met a German girl, what was really amazing since we seemed to have the same plans for the very beginnings of our journey. Too bad, we didn't share the same hostel the first two nights, but we stayed in contact anyway - because accidentally meeting in Van is not an option. We settled into a freaking airshuttler and headed straight to Van downtown...a really amazing part of the city - at NIGHT! SO I'm all by myself...all alone in this big city and try to find my way to the hostel. Well, I did after asking a bunch of people to show me the way. I start to settle down and girl comes in, asking me how's it going and stuff and in the middle of ehr sentence she's like "wir koenen deutsch reden, oder". *hehe* It seems as though the Germans took over the Canadian hostels ;) At my first real day in Vancouver (hey, I arrived at 10pm - there wasn't any time to SEE anything) I had to take place in the orientation of the agency with which I'm in Canada. Well it really was obe of the most unneccassary things I've ever been a part of. However, afterwards I booked for one night in the other hostel, wandered around Van, fell into bed and woke up the other morning (all by myself, what do you think?!) Now we had a very rainy and I had to move my TWO suitcases straight across the Davie Street way down to the Granville...what a bless. Nevertheless I met Anja there and with that the real fun in Van started. The same night we met some people from Switzerland and we went to a club under our hostel and danced and danced...Have I mentioned how hot theese three Switzer girls were...AMAZING ;D Well I stayed in Van for two weeks and got to know a lot of different people. It's really an awesome experience to stay in ahostel and meet people from everywhere so EASILY...you really should try it. We nearly saw everything of Vancouver from Stanley Park to the Aquarium, the UBC, the Anthropology Museum, the Queen Elizabeth Park, Nanaimo, the Lynn Canyon, two different Suspension Bridges adn we went shopping (I didn't buy anything so far), we made some night walks every now and then, went to some bar the other night. As you can see, there was always quite some action.
But then our ways seperated, and both of us went into different directions. For me it meant to take first two different buses and then the ferry to Vancouver Island and then another bus near Victoria. Strange, he?! Nevertheless, I arrived where I was supposed to - except the man I was waiting for wasn't there...I stood in the middle of nowhere -with my TWO suitcases- and was just like - where the hell is this damn guy. But hey he just waited on the wrong side, no need to worry! So we drove off to my new home; a farm. The car came to a hold and I was just like - no way, please drive into the other direction again. ...That was more than three weeks ago. And now? I don't wanna leave this place. I mean I can't see much more of this healthy organic food, but otherwise it's really nice here. The landscape is just incredibly beautiful...trees, mountains, lakes *sigh* I luv it! I work a lot of my time outside so I can enjoy all the stuff. Above that I can make myself food whenever I want so I don't need to stick around with their VEGGIES...And the people :D I've never met so lovely and helpful people in my entire life. They're just gorgeous!!!!!!! And did I already mention that I've even got something for the eye...Clare. Gosh, she is beautiful and funny and smart...you should see her *dreams* I just adore her. I knew there had to be something good on the farm -except for the fact that she's straight as a nail :( But I still can adore her from afar....So guys if you want to know more, don't heistate - just ask me!

Your KiT

Something brand-new...

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 14:31:01 GMT

I hope you gonna enjoy all the stuff.
First of all a new chapter of

Wallpapering 7/?

Author: detective_kit

Rating: finally some NC-17

Author’s Note: Uh-huh, I know it took me forever to get on with the show, but I hope the waiting was worth it…Tell me, plz..?!

Now, I take the time to apologize again…in German English classes you don’t learn a thing about love-making vocabularies…considering this while reading the chapters coming up, kay? Then let’s get started, shall we?

Summary: Have you ever thought about how arousing a renovation can be? No, then here you go.

Disclaimer: Everything’s Dick Wolf’s fault…If he hadn’t taken Alex away from Olivia, we wouldn’t need to talk "rubbish" *lol*

Wallpapering 7/?

Olivia was interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone. Alex looked up at her, disbelief evident in her darkened eyes. Once again some cell phone interrupted them, putting a break to their getting-together. When the phone rang for a second and third time, the brunette smiled apologetically at the blonde woman underneath her and reached into her pocket to take the call. She looked one more time down at Alex, before she finally answered.

"Benson." Olivia snapped, hoping that whoever was on the other end of the line would notice her impatience and would back off any second. Unfortunately, the voice of the only one who had never backed off before cracked through the cell.

„Hi Liv, it’s Elliot. I just wanted to ask if you needed any help with Alex? " Elliot asked innocently. Olivia growled, making it obvious that she wasn’t in the mood for his big-brotherly teasing.

"Uh-huh. No, I don’t think so. I can handle her myself." The brunette answered, glad that Elliot didn’t know HOW true those words just were. However, Alex seemed to think likewise, brining her fingers to the other woman’s face, trailing over Olivia’s lips to emphasize what Olivia had just said. When Olivia sighed, she heard chuckles from both Elliot and Alex. Before she could think of any reply, the brunette heard her partner’s voice once again.

"You can handle her yourself?...I can imagine this." The detective teased his partner, trying to gauge her reaction. He knew that Olivia had a thing for their A.D.A. even though she never really told him. Nevertheless, he had noticed the looks his partner aimed towards the blonde woman. Elliot had caught Olivia staring more than once, undressing Alex with her eyes. The man was pulled out of his thoughts when his partner snarled at him.

"Screw you, Stabler." Olivia bawled out, trying hard to stay calm. This was so none of his business. She just wanted him to end the call so she could get back to the action at hand. The brunette looked into sparkling blue eyes and tried hard to concentrate on the words that blurt out of her cell phone.

"Sure and you go and screw our beloved Cabot." Elliot told her, a smile evident in his voice. Olivia groaned in frustration and shut her cell phone, turning it off before finally putting it on the floor.

"Well, detective, I thought we agreed on turning off our phones. I take it you didn’t obey my orders…that implicates punishment. I hope you’re sensible of the fact?!" Alex stated, casually touching Olivia’s breast.

<< You’re already torturing me, Alex. How can you be so calm? I just want to roll you on your back and take you, bringing you to Heaven. We did a wonderful foreplay the last three hours- at least to me it seemed like foreplay. I don’t think I can take much more. God, you’re undressing me with your eyes…Can’t you just use your hands instead. Liv, you sound a little too desperate, don’t you think? You don’t want to scare the hell outta her, do you? Take long deep breaths. Now, try to stop the shaking of your hands. You don’t want her to think she’s your first. And now, make a move one her. Hush. >> Olivia’s thoughts were running crazy, while Alex just smiled sweetly at her, sunk in her own musings.

<< Okay, Alex, why do you always need to be in control? Just get yourself lost…that can’t be that complicated with this incredibly beauty sitting on your bed…Punishment? Well, maybe you should’ve asked her to bring her handcuffs along. Stop those thoughts. You’re not going there. At least not for your first time. Wait! You’re hoping for more, aren’t you? Concentrate on Olivia, damned it. Concentrate! She’s so beautiful, sitting there, trying to figure out what to do next. I could do some other kinda punishment to her…no handcuffs needed and just as pleasant. >> Alex sighed and pushed the brunette under her. When she saw Olivia’s stunned expression, the blonde chuckled, the arousal deepening her voice.

"As an officer of the law I’m more than capable to handle this case, detective, don’t you think? First of all I need to perform the search warrant I just got. Well, Ms Benson, will you obey on this one?" Alex asked by leaning further down with every passing second. Olivia could only nod, amazed by the way Alex made her feel by just talking to her.

"That’s what I thought. Since it’s late at night and I needed to get here at an unreasonable hour, I want to benefit from this situation. As an A.D.A. of the SVU I see a lot of dirty stuff, that’s why I guess I deserve a little pleasure. You’re still agreeing with me on this point, right?...Good." Alex leaned down the last few inches, making Olivia shiver. The brunette closed her eyes, overwhelmed by the sensations that rushed through her whole body. Alex turned her head, tickling the brunette’s ear with her hot breath.

"Then strip for me, Olivia. Show me that there’s nothing under your clothes I need to worry about. Give me the pleasure I’ve longed for since quite some time." Olivia stared wide-eyed at the blonde. Never had any of her former lovers asked her to strip for them. The detective blushed self-consciously and looked away from Alex, out of the window. The blonde turned Olivia’s face in her direction. They looked into each other’s eyes, when Olivia bit her lower lip.

"I’ve never done this before, Alex. I…I mean…I don’t know if I can do this. I wanna please you, but I’m afraid I will fail. So I really don’t know if it won’t get any dirtier than SVU." The older woman tried to enlighten the mood, although in reality she tried to outplay her nervousness. She took one last deep breath before she entangled herself from under Alex and stood up. Alex took a remote, lying on the floor next to the bed. She pointed it towards the living room, giving Olivia time to acquire with the situation. When the lawyer heard music coming from the other room, she rearranged herself on the king-size-bed, anticipating Olivia’s punishment.

Fin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: You wanna see Liv getting naked just as much as Alex? Well then you gotta tell me if I was any good at this one…

Afterwards some new icons:

And in the end I created some new Alex/Liv music video:

Merry X-Mas to all of you....

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 16:00:35 GMT

Just something I need to post before X-Mas settles in *hehe*

Author: detective_kit

Title: A glimpse of you or: Love hurts…like fucking hell and it won’t stop, never ever, not even after four months of not seeing her

Rating: PG

Spoiler: either "Loss" or my "Love hurts"-series

Author’s Note: Well…uh-huh I hadn’t seen Sophie in four months and tried to vanish her from my thoughts. That worked until some days ago when I met her in the hospital. I accompanied my little bro’ to the university hospital ‘cause he had broken his arm quite complicated. We headed to the radiology and there she was…

Either way you can see this fic as an equally thing (then it takes place four months after "Loss") or as the sequel to my "Love hurts"-series.

Summary: Olivia’s working on a case which brought her into another town. She sits in a hospital, waiting for the doctor to clarify a victim’s condition, when she recognizes someone she hadn’t seen in a long time.

or: Olivia started a new life in Colorado Springs four months ago, when suddenly the reason for her leaving comes along.

Disclaimer: Except for Sophie, who I’m not allowed to call ‘mine’, everything belongs to Dick Wolf…

A glimpse of you

I sat there and you didn’t recognize me. Or did you and you just didn’t want to acknowledge it? I sat there, being taken aback by your presence, by your beauty. How was I supposed to react? How was I supposed to maintain my composure with you being in the same room? I sat there open-mouthed, not knowing whether my eyes betrayed me or not. My eyes landed on your face, firm and hard as if there were no emotions under the surface. Then, just as fast as you had appeared you vanished into thin air.

I looked around myself, trying to make sense of the whole situation. You couldn’t have passed by here. The chance of meeting you in that place was as little as the chance of winning the lottery and with my luck this wasn’t going to happen in this lifetime. I looked around myself, wondering if it really had been you. However, the evidences were right in front of me: shaking hands, racing heartbeat, trembling legs and sweating palms.

You didn’t say hello to me, neither did you nod your head, hinting that you met a friend of yours. Well, you don’t call me a friend any longer, do you? But then again, what do you call me in this little head of yours? Stranger? Foreigner? Buddy? Acquainted? Nothing like this at all? Some pretty bad memory you don’t want to be reminded of?

Just as I had calmed down a little, I saw a glimpse of your hair, smelled a faint of your perfume, heard the hushed sound of your voice. There you were once again. I turned my head in your direction, fighting against the movement. My body betrayed me, as if I was some enemy captured inside a cage without any control over my limbs.

You looked over to me and I knew you had eventually noticed me. The blue of your eyes was as intense as ever, ripping down all of the walls I had put up during the last four months.

Do you know that I finally had a real life again? Do you know that I finally had forgotten about you? Do you know that I finally had someone to lean on to? Do you know that within one single second you had destroyed all these things?

I sighed and laid my eyes on you, like I had done hundred of times before. I smiled; you hadn’t lost a glimpse of your glory. Even in the dim lights of the hospital corridors you radiated elegance, grace and magnetism. I sighed and tried to avert my gaze from your figure, from your soft features.

You were back in my life, back in my heart. If I had gotten up and taken two steps towards you, I could have touched your skin, felt your heartbeat. But I just couldn’t do any of it, too scared of your reaction, too aware of the witnesses in the small waiting room.

You disappeared behind one of the "do not enter"-doors and I heaved a sigh of relief. I just wanted to get out of the hospital, leaving you behind me, withdrawing your face from my mind. I wanted to never see you again, to protect myself from all the pain you had caused me before.

How could you step into my life once more, behaving as if you didn’t know me at all? How could you walk passed me, showing no reaction whatsoever? How could you look at me without surprise evident on your face? How could God want to put me through this misery again?

I blinked when I saw you a third time. My heart was pounding hard against my chest. My body was covered with goose bump. My thoughts were circling around you. I closed my eyes, hoping that once I opened them you wouldn’t be there anymore, wouldn’t do these strange things to me any longer.

Just like all the times before you walked away from me, turned your back on me. I watched you walking out of the ward. I watched the enticingly swaying of your hips when you left. I watched the light disappear as you went out of the room. I swallowed the lump in my throat since I felt a single tear running down my face.

Why didn’t you see what you had done to me all along? Why was I too afraid to go over to you and tell, showing you the person you had turned me into? Why did you behave like I was some outsider? Why couldn’t you look me fair in the face? Was it just because you didn’t care or was it something deeper? Did you eventually see that you had made a mistake? Did you feel somewhat guilty for the way you treated me?

A voice pulled me out of my musings. I looked up and saw the doctor, waiting impatiently for me to react. I took a deep breath and put my everlasting mask back on, still emotional charged. I followed him into his examination room, when I saw a small Christmas tree in the hall. I laughed bitterly:

All I want for X-Mas is you.

Ha ha, as if that was ever possible. I shook my head to clear my thoughts, pretending once again.

Fin

A/N: Can you believe that she actually treats me like this?...Well, sometimes I feel as if I’m in a really bad, trashy movie without the necessary happy end.

Whatsoever...Here you go!

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 18:31:36 GMT

Been here, done that *hehe*

Those are some new icons I created. I hope you like 'em a lil'?!







Well that's it.
See you soon *gg*

detective_KiT

Everything's just for you...

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 16:27:37 GMT

Hi there!!

I did it again:

First some video...

Secondly...Well, I started somehing new. It's really weird, but hope you like it anyway. Olivia and Alex go shopping in some

Title: The Supermarket 1/2

Author: detective_kit

Rating: PG-13

Author’s Note: I love to imagine our A.D.A. and detective, doing ordinary things. You know like going shopping in some big supermarket. I mean, do they argue about whether to take the three-coat or the four-coat toilet paper? That’s something we definitely need to find about.

Summary: Alex’s car broke down in the morning and she needs a ride to some supermarket, begging the SVU-detectives to help her out…

Disclaimer: I thank God everyday for bringing Dick Wolf onto this planet but at the same time I hope that Wolfie will finally see the plain truth in front of him!

The Supermarket 1/2

"…Oh come on…Everything I’m asking for is one single ride to some supermarket. I mean I get called in the middle of the night because of you; I work nearly 24 hours per day because of you. Isn’t that enough for some favor?!" Alex exclaimed, not knowing why she had to beg for such a nullity. She looked around with pleading eyes, trying to trick them into agreeing. Alex Cabot always got what she wanted and this time wasn’t any different. She only had to make them see this fact.

"But, Counselor, why don’t you take a cab? Why us?" Munch asked, spanking himself for driving with Fin in the morning. He was out of the blonde’s league without any doubt but some little shopping tour with the sexy A.D.A. would have done dozens for his old ego.

"Well those damn cabbies are always drooling all over me. I know, it’s spring time and everything but it really drives me crazy. By the way, it’s so much more fun to have some company while going shopping." Alex explained, hoping to finally crack their walls. When she looked over to the only other woman in the room, Alex saw some sparkling in the brunette’s eyes. The blonde smiled knowingly at Olivia, who looked like a deer caught in the headlights. When the attorney turned her attention back to the left, she didn’t recognize Elliot, leaning into Olivia’s personal space.

"Too bad, it seems as though you’re not the Cabot’s cabbie?! I mean you wouldn’t be any better than those drivers, drooling all over her and undressing her with your eyes, huh?" Elliot whispered, teasing his partner. Since the first time the attorney stepped into the precinct, Olivia couldn’t avert her gaze from the beautiful blonde and Elliot had known it from the very beginning.

"Shut the fuck up, Elliot!" Olivia warned him, not recognizing that the object of her conversation had taken several steps towards the pair. Alex was now intensely looking at the brunette, using all her skills to finally get what she wanted. Olivia gulped, while Elliot just smiled widely at his partner.

"Okay, I surrender. It seems as though you scared the hell out of these guys, so I think it’s gotta be me, right?" Olivia explained when the other detectives hadn’t made any effort to help the blonde. The men just nodded hyperbolical, knowing that they had done Olivia a favor. The women took their coats and headed for the exit.

.:: 30 minutes later in some supermarket somewhere in NY ::.

"So Counselor, what do you got on your big shopping listing that couldn’t wait one more day?" Olivia asked while stepping into the center. The brunette had told herself to calm down during their ride. Now, she was just unbelievable cocky about showing off the beautiful, sexy blonde in public. The detective wasn’t able to erase the shit-eating-grin from her face as she took the shopping cart.

"Unfortunately, detective, there are a lot of things on my list I can’t buy here, you know." Alex answered with a tone in her voice that made it clear where her thoughts were running to. She winked at the older woman and headed for the nourishments, feeling Olivia’s muzzy look on her back. Alex smiled despite herself, while the detective still stood in the same spot, unable to make her limbs move.

"What’s it, Olivia? I thought you wanted to help some poor, fragile, naïve and innocent woman like me." The attorney purred as she took several steps back towards the brunette. She laid a hand over Olivia’s, squeezing it lightly. That did the job since the detective seemed to snap out of her daydreams to what Alex would want to buy. The blonde headed straight for the candies, blushing slightly as she saw Olivia smile widely.

"Well, detective, how do you think I got sooo sweet?" Alex asked dumbfounded. Olivia looked down, trying to hide her blush. The blonde cheered mentally: <<You think I’m sweet, don’t you, Olivia? Well, that’s a start! >>

"I guess your stylist and your hair-dresser did the trick…" Olivia mumbled incoherently, still taken aback by Alex’s obvious flirtation.

"Uh-huh, that hurt, Olivia. So you don’t think I’m a natural beauty? Aww, what am I going to do now?" Alex asked, hiding her disappointment behind the everlasting mask, made of self-confidence and an essential dose of arrogance.

"…Alex, you are beautiful…I mean you’re intelligent, funny and…well, look in the mirror: you’re ‘sweet’…you’ve got everything anyone could ever want…No, that wasn’t what I meant…No, wait, I meant it, but…" Olivia broke off. She was good with words, tricking a lot of perps into confessing. But as soon as Alex was within her personal space, the brunette turned into a babbling teenager….

Fin Part 1 / 2

__________________________________________________________________________

A/N: It’s just the beginning…I needed to get into the story first. I promise that the second and last part is gonna be a whole lot of fun, ‘kay?!

I’d kill for feedback…so Olivia would need to handcuff me *gg*

Title: The Supermarket 2/2

Author: detective_KiT

Rating: PG-13 (you don’t think I’d let them do "adult stuff" in a supermarket, do you?)

Author’s Note: Maybe you need to know that Mariska played "Cynthia Hooper" in the fourth season of E.R.

I’m nuts I know…but what can I say? Those two women do crazy things with me…

Thx for the feedback…just keep doing it.

Summary: Alex’s car broke down in the morning and she needs a ride to some supermarket, begging the SVU- detectives to help her out…

Disclaimer: I just burrowed them and we went to bed together…Nah, everything belongs to those who already have enough. I’m still just dreaming about ‘em *sigh*.

The Supermarket 2/2

Now Olivia was standing right in front of the woman who always took her breath away, appearing like some idiot, incapable of forming coherent sentences. Before Alex could say anything to the hidden compliments she was greeted by some wealthy friend of her mom’s. While the blonde seemed to be sunk in conversation, Olivia tried to distract herself from those incredible blue eyes, those long and lean legs, those full, oh-so-kissable lips. The brunette turned around and took several steps into another purchasing department. Before she knew it, Olivia found herself surrounded by all kinds of newspaper.

Sure she could take a look into this magazine. It wasn’t as if Alex was around right now and why shouldn’t she have some kinda fun if not for the very reason that she sacrificed her spare time for Alex. Olivia gulped as she flipped through the Playboy, coming to an abrupt halt. She looked at a blonde, blue-eyed woman with legs that seemed to be endless. Suddenly, the whole center spun around and someone had turned on the heater. Olivia felt hot and tried to avert her gaze from the photograph right in front of her. The woman looked like Alex’s twin but so very different at the same time, leaving Olivia to wonder about Alex’s hidden curves under those power suits. The brunette was lost in her own thoughts and didn’t think much about the hot breath tickling on her neck or the smell of Alex’s perfume. Her mind was playing dirty games with her – at least that was what Olivia guessed at this moment.

"Ah, so you’ve got a thing for blonde blue-eyed women, huh? Well that’s going to break a lot of men’s hearts." Alex whispered into the brunette’s ear. Alex had watched Olivia for several moments before she decided to get the detective out of her daydreaming. The blonde finally knew which game the brunette played for and it made her unbelievable happy. Not just was the other woman gay but she also seemed to be attracted to women with Alex’s features.

"Not entirely blondes…most of the time, they’re the most complicated. But for the part with the women an absolute yes!" Olivia clarified, grinning from one ear to the other one. She wasn’t ready to just give Alex the satisfaction of knowing one of the brunette’s weaknesses, which definitely were blonde goddesses.

"Ow! Does that mean you think I’m complicated? You gotta believe that I’m quite easy, detective." Alex explained, spinning around and heading for the next point on her listing. This whole shopping trip was even funnier than she had ever dared to think and above all she already had learned more intimate details about the brunette than she had in their three years of working together.

"Oh come on, Alex. You can be a pain in the ass at work…the "ice-queen" being easy? Sorry but I can’t put this together." Olivia screamed after the blonde woman. The older woman followed Alex, carrying the cart for her princess. Well she could at least pretend that she and the A.D.A. were a couple, going shopping together for their coming off-work-weekend, couldn’t she?

"Uh-huh, Alex, what do you want with four-coat toilet paper? Why don’t you just use some of your silk scarves? Well you rich people don’t consider the environment while going shopping, do you?" Olivia asked amused. That most definitely felt right, arguing with the blonde about those very, very ordinary things. The detective shook her head. Who would’ve thought that the trip would make her so happy, turning her into a big mushy-ball?

"Rich people? Seriously Olivia, do you want this very nice, sexy ass of mine, being scratched because of some cheap paper?" the blonde asked, pointing to her backside. When she saw how Olivia’s eyes widened and then followed her finger, Alex shook her head in disbelief. She had her detective exactly where she wanted her to be. Alex was more than pleased with herself for choosing this very short skirt in the morning. Some minutes passed until the A.D.A. eventually fetched Olivia back to reality. "See, that’s what I thought, detective. Now let’s go on with the show, shall we?" The younger woman put the toilet paper into the cart and motioned for Olivia to follow her.

The brunette tried to take long, deep breaths what seemed to be impossible with Alex so close to her. A minute ago she had starred at Alex’s ass. God, had she starred. She stood there like some horny boy, slavering and drooling over the school’s hottest chick. Olivia tried to calm her nerves but failed downright. In the next second she found herself in between what appeared to be hundred different hair dyes. Now that was curious, she had thought Alex was a natural blonde. Had she been mistaken?

"What are we doing here, Alex?...You aren’t a natural blonde?" Olivia stuttered, taking in the woman in front of her. Every evidence led to one conclusion and only one: definitely blond. But then again, what were they doing here? <<Geez, she gotta be kidding me.>>

"You won’t get your answer that easily…What do you think, detective, are you brave enough to find out about my true hair-color?" Alex asked suggestively, winking at the other woman. The A.D.A. reached for a blond hair dye, moving past Olivia, barely touching her while doing so. She put it into the cart and headed cheerfully towards the movie-section of the shopping center. It seemed to take Olivia forever to get her motor functions back to work.

When the brunette had finally found the other woman, she was mesmerized. Never in her life had Olivia thought that she could fall even more for the blond angel. Alex wore a smile that would have enlightened a mine at its darkest days. Her eyes sparkled with joy and amazement. The detective wondered if she could ever put this expression on the other woman’s face.

"What did ya got there, Alex? You look like a lil’ girl who just got her dearest present from the Santa himself…You didn’t even wear that smile when you kicked Langan’s ass in front of Petrovsky last week." Olivia stated, still captivated by Alex’s undeniable beauty. The blond held up her new purchase, proud of her now favorite DVD-box.

"I’ve never thought of you as a E.R.-kinda girl, Cabot…Tell me what’s so interesting about that big amount of blood and the many, many dead bodies, he?" Olivia grinned when she saw Alex blushing. <<Ah, so it’s not about the blood or anything.>>

"Uh-huh, there’s this very sexy, clumsy and funny brunette. She’s got these beautiful brown orbs, in which you drown into within the first second. And her lips leave you longing for a taste of them. And well I sure as hell can’t forget about her body…sexy doesn’t even start to cover it. You see, I’m not the E.R.-kinda girl, I’m a brown-eyed brunettes-kinda girl." Olivia flashed Alex one of her lopsided smiles while she listened to her.

"That sounds promising, counselor. What do you think about watching those DVDs with me?...That way you could show me personally how you feel about brown-eyed brunettes…" Olivia offered, hoping that she had interpreted the signals correctly….

The DVDs were never watched – at least not that night.

Fin

A/N: Yeah, I know wild idea, wasn’t it?! But I don’t care…I just hope you had some fun reading it.

Feedback makes a girl get even crazier storylines…

!!

your detective_kit

Poems...Well I'm not Goethe but I'm German :P

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 18:27:59 GMT

~~~**~~~In the Wake of Oblivion ~~~**~~~

I can't forget the way you made me feel.
I can't forget how you smiled tenderly at me.
I can't forget the ocean-blue of your eyes.
I can't forget that you were my fanciest price.

I don't wanna forget the feeling of your skin under my fingertips.
I don't wanna forget the sight of your full, red, oh-so-kissable lips.
I don't wanna forget the sound of your laugh, ringing in my ears.
I don't wanna forget the relief I felt as I finally dried your tears.

I've to forget that some goddess like you ever stepped into my life.
I've to forget how you cut a scratch into my being with your knife.
I've to forget how my heartbeat rose up to an unhealthy rate as I saw you.
I've to forget the emptiness you left in me - that is what I've got to do.

~~~**~~~Distance Makes the Heart Grow Empty~~~**~~~

Your smile made me aching for something that was unattainable.
I found it hard not to fall for you, your gorgeousness irresistable.
You had my laugh, my soul, but above all you had my heart.
I put it in the palm of your hand; however you tore it apart.
Since you put cold and gash space between the two of us - since then
I shattered into a million pieces no one's ever gonna put together again.

KiT

Sometimes I'm way too creative!

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 15:21:18 GMT

Here You go again:

*~~Icons and Vids~~*

Amanda Tapping


Stephanie March


Mariska Hargitay


Marish and Steph


Videos

bye, KiT

Something new just for you!

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 16:48:42 GMT

I've got pretty much stuff spinning around in my mind.

First of all some videos:

.

[Error: close lj-embed tag without open tag]

Secondly some new icons:

I hope you like the stuff...please comment. ThX!

KiT

Some lines I wrote while lying in bed....

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 15:42:43 GMT

I just wrote those lines...I don't really know whom I was thinking about at this moment...Maybe Liv thinks about Alex or the other way around....

Greetings of passion

You stood in front of me in all your naked glory,
making me a bundle of limbs with nothing to worry.
I reached out for your velvet-like skin,
bringing my trembling lips to your chin.
I touched you, I felt you, I breathed you and you me.
I was damn scared but you made me trust you blindly.

detective_kit

You gotta tell me if you like what you see...

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 16:07:19 GMT

Again I worked only for you...we'll see if you honor it, kay?!

First of all I wrote the sequel to

Title:            Wallpapering 6/?
Author:        detective_kit
Rating:            later on: NC-17
Author’s Note:    I guess we can finally let them make some noises, don’t we? Well, we’ll see how they behave…
    Thx for the feedback. I aim to please, you know *wink*
Summary:    Have you ever thought about how arousing a renovation can be? No, then here you go.
Disclaimer:    Dick Wolf is really stupid, letting Alex walk out of Liv’s life…this is our own way of revolution…*lol*

Wallpapering 6/?

Olivia took one last deep breath, convincing herself that she was about to do the right thing. “The pressure of my jeans against my core….” The brunette purred, locking eyes with Alex. Again fear pounced on Olivia, making her to some young, inexperienced teenager who didn’t know what to do next. But she couldn’t just get out of the situation. She was still entangled with Alex, enjoying the closeness more than she would ever admit.

<< I can’t stop my breath from quicken, my heartbeat from getting faster. Olivia said that she’s aroused. She did say this, right? I’m not going crazy, am I? Liv said that I am the reason for her excitement. But that would mean that…God, she feels so good lying on top of me; so much better than I thought ever possible. I don’t know what will happen once I feel her skin on mine. Her eyes are so dark, they’re nearly black. Can I really do that to her? >> Alex thought, not recognizing how her hand wandered under Olivia’s shirt.

“Well detective, if I’m really the reason for the pressure down there, I should probably do something against it, shouldn’t I? Tell me, what can I do to make you feel better?” Alex asked innocently, drawing little circles on Olivia’s belly. The brunette swallowed hard, feeling as though she would faint any second. Her thoughts were running in hundred different directions, making it hard to concentrate. The feeling of Alex’s soft fingertips on her oversensitive skin drove the older woman crazy. Olivia wanted to feel Alex’s fingers everywhere, that’s why she rocked lightly against the blonde woman; trying to show her what she needed the most. Alex didn’t give into Olivia’s silent pleading.

“God, Alex, you can’t be that clueless!!” Olivia exclaimed desperately, hoping to make Alex see. The blonde just smiled at the woman on top of her, savoring the moment as much as possible. Alex stilled her hand to underline her next statement.

“Detective, I know you’re quite good at talking dirty…You have to tell me what you want me to do otherwise I won’t touch you or kiss you…or well do other things to you, okay?” Alex asked, looking forward to the things that would come. Olivia stared wide-eyed at the blonde woman, not knowing what to make of the whole situation.

<< I’m lying on top of Alex Cabot. She knows that I want her and she didn’t freak out. And it seems as though she wants me as well…However what she demands of me is ridiculous. I can’t tell her that I want…no that I need to feel her inside of me; her fingers pressed deep inside of me while her tongue lingers on my clit. I just can’t. The whole thing was absurd, thinking that blue-blooded A.D.A. Alex Cabot could ever want something from me. How could I be so silly? >> Olivia looked deep into Alex’s eyes, searching for the answers she so badly needed to know.

“You’re the perp…and I’m the detective! Shouldn’t I ask the questions and giving you the orders? You know, we wouldn’t want an appeal because of a procedural violation.” Olivia whispered, using her authoritarian voice. She arranged the both of them in the middle of the bed, pressing her body against Alex.

“No, we wouldn’t. But you know, even the perps got rights. I wanna have a deal. Do you think that’s possible, detective?” Alex purred, making sure the brunette felt Alex’s tight pressing against her center. Olivia supported herself with her arms, which were both next to Alex’s head.

“I don’t know. What do you have to offer, Ms. Cabot? You violated the law after all and as a police officer I can’t let you just walk out of here.” Olivia made her point clear by pinning Alex onto the bed, letting the other woman no chance to escape. Olivia enjoyed her position, giving her the perfect option to control their little role play. But she knew from the bottom of her heart that she couldn’t take this encounter for much longer. She was way too hot, too excited, and above all she was way too aroused.

“Look at me. I’ve gotten nothing to offer but myself. I’ll give everything of me to you, if we can forget about this little incident. What do you say, detective, is that enough for you?” Alex carried one of her hands between Olivia’s tights, touching her lightly without giving the brunette what she really wanted. She pulled away quickly, awaiting Olivia’s answer.

“Uh-huh. Now, I’m in some dilemma, Ms. Cabot. I really like the sound of your proposal but it could be accused of assaulting an officer of the law combined with extortion ‘cause it’s nearly impossible to resist. What am I supposed to do with you?” Olivia asked, letting one hand run down Alex’s body, stopping mere millimetres from her breast. She looked up into Alex’s eyes, before she drew circles around an obviously erect nipple. The blonde moaned gently, biting her lower lip in passion.

“Assaulting? Well, assaulting would mean that my hands were somewhere else, pushing deep inside of you, taking you fast, making you come hard and quick. By the way, I won’t tell a soul. AND I know a lot of things you could do with me, detective Benson.” Alex said, savouring the feeling of Olivia’s flat hand on her nipple.

“…Like wallpapering your apartment? I still think you arranged this little encounter, planning on driving me crazy. But I guess you’re right; I should take advantage of my position, shouldn’t I? Even though I doubt that our A.D.A. would agree with me on this point.” The brunette clarified, wanting badly to feel Alex’s skin under her fingertips.

“I assume she would like to take advantage of your position as well. I know for sure that she fantasized about you in uniform…you handcuffing her…you taking her in some interrogation room or in her office…God Liv, please stop talking. I don’t know how much longer I can take it…” Alex exclaimed, feeling her most primitive needs build up inside of her.

“Since when are you that impatient, Alex? You gonna have to live with my tempo or otherwise you’ve to take care of it yourself. I want…” Olivia was interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone…

Fin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N:        Was this the kinda thing you wanted to read *smile widely*? It was my
        pleasure to satisfy all of you…
        I long for feedback like you long for some continuation!

..and then I wrote something new...

Title:            FAIR(ytale)
Author:        detective_KiT
Rating:            PG-13
Author’s Note:    I was at some fair and I don’t know why, but Alex and Liv popped into             my mind, not letting go of me. I’m sorry but as you can see, I couldn’t             resist them.
            This is just some hundred words fanfic…If you enjoy it; I’ll make a             “real” fanfic outta it (with some beginning & a real ending). Otherwise             it remains a snap-shot.
Summary:        Liv and Alex experience the centrifugal force *wink*
Disclaimer:        I don’t own anything or else I wouldn’t be in Germany but in the US,             directing a love scene between our faves *g*

FAIR(ytale)

Alex and Liv were standing in front of some carousel, not knowing how the guys tricked them into coming along with them. Alex smiled widely, shaking her head in disbelief while Olivia tried to get her into some of those attractions, standing around them. After several minutes of arguing, in which Alex made an effort to explain HOW ridiculous this idea was; both of them decided to give it a try anyway.

“What do you say to this fabulous machine? It definitely gives you the possibility to get rid off of your dinner. Or what about this one? It’s slow and save and…” Olivia tried to make those merry-go-arounds as appealing as humanly possible, making the blonde laugh out loud.

“Well...AND I gonna be the laugher around the office. No, not a chance. We’ll take this one. No, Olivia, no argument. You begged me to go with you and the guys; and now you have to obey me and only me.” Alex commanded, pulling the brunette after her. She headed straight for the till, paying for both of them.

”And you think they won’t gossip about an A.D.A. in some carousel called “Music Shop”? Well, your wish is my command, you know.” Olivia followed Alex into one of the two-(wo)man-seats. After the security man had made sure that everything was save, Alex turned her attention towards the detective.

“Since when do you comply with my orders? Never mind…let’s have some fun, shall we?” Alex asked, giving Olivia one of her lopsided smiles that reached her eyes. The ride began in good manners, taking it slow. After several seconds the speed got faster. Olivia was pressed against Alex even though she tried not to harm the other one’s private space. Alex looked at her, smirking sheepishly. The blonde put one arm around Olivia, pulling her even closer as the centrifugal force caused anyway. Suddenly the direction turned backwards, leading them in the opposite part of the seats. Now, Olivia could feel Alex’s body pressed against hers, enjoying it immensely. Olivia loved how Alex cheered up, her hair streaming in the wind, her eyes shimmering with pure amusement. It was as though the brunette could forget about everything in this little carousel. At this moment the carousel director asked to let the hands go off of the safety belt, making the ride more exciting. Alex, still pressed against Olivia’s side, put her arms around the older woman’s waist, not wanting to be pushed elsewhere by the radial force but following the director’s instructions nevertheless….

Fin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N:        As a Gater I should know some physical terms, huh?
        Feedback is wanted as much as Alex wants Liv and Liv wants Alex…though         you don’t wanna make me feel like Alex in WPP, do you?

        I’m already working on some new fics...one is just some funny insight into         Alex’s ordinary life. And the other one…well, let’s say it’s about the “Stargate         SG-1” ‘Broca Divide’…Should I start them or do you think my writing is not         worth reading?

Afterwards I created some new icons...nothing special...just playing with my faves, you know?!

The Sci-Fi Woman...Amanda Tapping



The Stunning Blonde...Stephanie March



The sexy and very, very, very, very beautiful Mariska Hargitay



And here we've got Marish and Steph side by side...



And at the end I couldn't resist to create some new music videos...I just can'T live without them!

Tell me what you think....

detective_kit

Schreibhemmung

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 19:05:44 GMT

If you won two free round-trip plane tickets anywhere in the world, where would you go and who would you bring?

View 500 Answers

I would go to Vancouver (Britsh Columbia, Canada) cause it's the most fucking amazing city I've ever seen. And I would take Mariska Hargitay along *smile widely*

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 16:47:46 GMT

I hope you missed me?!

I was quite in some stress but I managed to continue my fic nevertheless.

First of all the fifth part of

Title:                       Wallpapering 5/?
Author:                     detective_kit
Rating:                   later on: NC-17
Author’s Note:        I know my English is quite bad…at least for those who’re native speakers. Sorry, that you gotta go through this but I                                           didn’t force you to read it, did I? So, why are you still here nevertheless *stick my tongue out*
Summary:              Have you ever thought about how arousing a renovation can be? No, then here you go.
Disclaimer:            Wolf & Co. gave us the perfect reason (A/O) to write this kinda stuff, huh?!

Wallpapering 5/?

“That’s about right…I mean…That’s…at least; I’m very easy when you’re concerned.” Olivia explained, finally being able to articulate her feelings. Alex stared wide-eyed at the woman right in front of her, not believing what she had just heard. The time seemed to be frozen. Neither one of them was ready to take the next step. Their thoughts were running crazy.

<< Ok, you finally said what you wanted to and now you’re standing in the middle of this big bedroom with the woman you’ve a crush on since…well since you first said “hello” to her. What do you wanna do? Standing here until you gotta go to work tomorrow? Say something, anything! Alex’s still here and didn’t freak out when I indicated that I…yeah, that I’m easy to please when it’s about her. Oh my God, how easy it would be. One stroke upon my breast, one light caress between my legs and I’d be in heaven. It wouldn’t take long for me to orgasm. I mean just thinking about Alex naked, lying skin on skin in this king size bed with her gets me nearly over the edge. Oh no, not again. I’m hot. Really hot. I feel my cheeks burning with desire. Desire, longing for this goddess. How am I gonna survive this evening?>>

<< Wow, I can’t really believe what Olivia said. God, this is my favorite dream and I don’t wanna wake up again, ever. She’s easy when…did she really mean it the way I think she did? Take deep, long breathes, Alex. You gotta cool down. Easy? Detective Olivia Benson? I can’t imagine this. Easy because of me? That’s just not possible. Olivia’s just joking around. She must have recognized my carving for her. She must! She’s so sweet with her burning red cheeks. Would she be….no, WILL she be just as heated when I stroke her? Will she make any noises? Will she be in control or will she trust me with her heart, giving everything of her to me? If you stand here all night, you won’t hop onto your bed, making your secret fantasies true, Alex. Go on. >>

Just as Alex was ready to let her hand wander over Olivia’s upper back, wanting to pull her closer, the door bell rang. Both startled, looking shocked at one another. Afraid of being pulled back into the outside world, they held on their breathes. Again the bell rang. Alex took several steps backwards, freeing herself from Liv’s warmth. Instead of stopping their bantering, Alex got something else in her mind.

<< I can’t just spoil this moment. I love to please and that’s gonna happen soon. Hopefully, I don’t misinterpret the signs she’s sending me. I need to take off my view of her tight shirt, otherwise I can’t concentrate. >> Alex heard a third ringing, when she turned around to face the brunette again.

“God, yes! I am coming. Right now! Just take a sec’ and I’m all yours….all yours. Yeah, I’m coming.” Alex moaned loudly, heading to the front door and leaving a stunned Olivia alone. The brunette’s expression changed from shocked to desperately turned-on.

“And here I thought you were all mine…I would like to hear those things when you’re with me…” Olivia murmured, not recognizing Alex reentering the bedroom with two pizzas in her hand.

“What kind of things would you like to hear, Liv?” Alex asked, putting their take-out onto the bed and walking over to where Olivia stood. Alex had come back just in time to hear Olivia’s accidental loud spoken thoughts.

<< I’d like to hear you scream….scream my name in ecstasy. But how am I supposed to tell her this? I mean, she’s blue-blooded A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot. And I am some stupid under-paid cop. What could someone like her ever want from someone like me? >> Once more self-doubts made their way into Olivia’s thoughts.

“…Nothing I was just thinking out loud. Nothing to worry about…that smells good. You wanna sate my most basic desires, huh? I really need something to eat. I mean we wanna tip the velvet after all and I think I’ve to be fit for IT, don’t I?” Olivia asked, regaining her composure back. She wasn’t about to let Alex win that easily. Olivia turned around and headed for her pizza. The brunette sat down and took her first bite, making noises that unmistakable belonged somewhere else.

“Oh yeah, that’s for sure, detective. I heard that you’re getting very soaked, doing this kind of stuff! So we gotta change our oral contract from earlier, don’t we? We’re tipping my velvet couch together but therefore I want you to be more relieved. What can I do for you to get you a little more off…uh-huh I mean…I want you…I want you to stop feeling OFF-color, you know!” Alex stuttered, biting her tongue. She sat down on her big bed, taking care of some distance between her and Olivia. The brunette smiled, satisfied with the blonde’s reaction.

<< Alex, that was definitely too much. You exaggerated. Again. You do want her. And yeah, you do want her to get off. BUT did you have to tell Olivia? At least you could have used more romantic words. In court you’re so good at using grand words and once you see this sexy cop you’ll forget them all. This smile she’s trying to hide, it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Well, I haven’t seen Olivia in her naked beauty… >> Alex’s thought were running, leaving her longing even more for the older woman.

<< You got her, Olivia. You really did. The always collected Alexandra Cabot stuttering; declaring some of her very secret dreams. She wants me to be more relieved…that could be easily arranged. But we definitely need to move forward to let this “getting-off” happen. And besides, I can’t disapprove Alex’s wishes. What’s the name of the game again: Your wish is my command. >> The brunette put down her carton and stood up, coming to a halt right in front of the other woman, putting a little more pep into the swaying of her hips on her way. She looked down at the blonde woman, making sure she got the attention she wanted.

“You wanna relieve me, Alex?” Olivia asked, waiting for Alex to answer her. When there was no reply, she bend down a little more, giving Alex a perfect view of her cleavage. “There’s just one thing you can do to take away the pressure.” Again Olivia bend down even a little more, putting her mouth onto Alex’s ear. “You know the pressure you caused.” The brunette explained, assuring herself that she had Alex’s full attention. Olivia took one last deep breath, convincing herself that she was about to do the right thing. “The pressure of my jeans against my core….”…..

Fin

~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N:        Now, there’s a very good explanation why it took me so long again. My lil bro         broke his arm. Well he had two complicated ops and had to be driven into a             specialist’s hospital and everything. So it’s quite a mess…and I had to work             everyday for my Canada trip. I guess you understand?!
        Feedback is welcomed as ever…Thx for the last notes, I hope I could satisfy             you again?

Afterwards I did some new music videos...

That's Alex's PoV!

That's Olivia's PoV!

That's some funny song, telling their story!

detective_kit

I worked and worked...just for you!!

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 16:38:01 GMT

Heyo sweeties!!!

First of all I did some work and wrote my sequel to "Wallpapering". Hope you enjoy it:

Title:           Wallpapering 4/?
Author:       detective_kit
Rating:           later on: NC-17
Author’s Note:   It’s really exciting to write this one...I think you know what I mean,            don’t cha?
   The mentioned book “Tipping the Velvet” by Sarah Waters is one of my favorites. I got it to my nineteenth birthday. I guess my parents didn’t really know what it’s about *lol*
Summary:   Have you ever thought about how arousing a renovation can be? No, than here you go.
Disclaimer:   I wish this would be published on the show, don’t you? But unfortunately Wolf & Co. are not that brave…

Wallpapering 4/?

“…That’s why I will satisfy one of your desires…Pizza? Beer? What’s it? You just need to tell me, Liv.” Alex purred waiting for Olivia to answer….

“I want…I mean…Well…I…I…” Olivia stuttered not being able to verbalize her needs. She occupied herself with putting the room in order while Alex chuckled quietly. The blonde watched Olivia dropping several things because of her obvious trembling hands.

<< Olivia, you need to answer soon…otherwise Alex may think that you think…well, that you exactly think what you’re thinking. Damn, you have to play it cool, if you don’t want to be thrown out. At least she didn’t run away when you suggested tipping the velvet. But then again, it’s her apartment….where would she have ran to? God, I can feel her eyes on my skin and it’s really driving me crazy. I can almost pretend to feel her hands upon my exposed skin instead of her eyes, drawing circles on my back. Ok, those imaginations won’t help subsiding my arousal. Take a deep breath and stop behaving like a pubertal teenager! >>

“That’s definitely an offer I can’t reject…You’d really do everything to satisfy my needs, Alex?” Olivia asked doubtfully. Inhaling deeply Olivia turned around to face the blonde woman. When she stood right in front of Alex, the brunette nearly fainted. Alex wore an expression on her face, saying nothing but ‘feel brave enough to find out’. Her eyes sparkled with…amusement, passion and something else Olivia couldn’t really put her fingers onto. “I guess then it’ll be pizza, if that’s okay by you?” the older woman chickened out, frightened of being rejected by the beautiful A.D.A.

“Pizza? I see. Something ordinary, huh? And here I thought, you’re the more temperamentally one.” Alex winked at the brunette when she walked out of the bedroom to order their take-out. Brown eyes followed her every move until they couldn’t see the attorney any longer. Olivia was mesmerized by the swaying of Alex’s hips, licking her lips as if she was anticipating her favorite dinner.

<< I guess there’s something I’d even prefer over my favorite meal. There most definitely is something or someone to be sincere. If I tasted Alex on my tongue for only one single time I could die right then and there. Feel her hips thrusting against my fingers, my tongue dipping into her most intimate spaces. >> Olivia moaned while thinking about making love to Alexandra Cabot. She tried to focus on the things at hand but failed miserably. The brunette bit her lower lip as though she was in pain. Again a small groan escaped her mouth. At this moment Alex entered the bedroom, taking aback by the expression she saw on Olivia’s face and the noises she heard.

“Well, what was this moaning for? Enjoying yourself, detective?” Alex asked amused. Olivia didn’t dare to look in Alex’s direction, embarrassed about her own behavior. Alex delicately sat down a few inches away from Olivia. The brunette got even more nervous as she felt the heat, radiating from the younger woman.

<< Alex you’re incomparable. You want to seduce Olivia, not scare the hell out of her. Well, this groan was definitely evidence that she likes what she’s seeing. Maybe you should accidentally graze her leg. She probably gives into temptation and you’ll get what you’ve waited for since forever. God, I need to stop those thoughts before I am the one who’s moaning. I need to get control over this situation. I need Olivia begging for my touches, begging me to get her over the edge. >> Alex was pulled out of her thoughts when she felt Olivia, shifting into another position on the bed.

“I’m admiring…the view…I guess what I’m trying to say is that I enjoy my environment, you know?!” Olivia tried to explain her behavior without embarrassing herself by explaining the real reason for her racing heartbeat, her flushed cheeks, her dry mouth and a certain, not so dry area. Alex smiled warmly at her, giving Olivia the feeling that she fell even more for the blonde woman.

“Well, that’s curious because there’s not much in this room except for the bed and…well the two of us.” Alex underlined her statement by pointing towards the empty area. Olivia stood up and strode to the other end of the room, examining her work. The brunette knelt down in front of the wall. When Olivia rose up again, she could feel Alex breath against her oversensitive skin. “At least, I hopefully can sate your appetite, what do you think?” Alex whispered into Olivia’s ear, putting her hand upon one of the other woman’s shoulders.

“That you can, Alex. That you can.” Olivia mumbled under her breath, shaking lightly because of the intensity of her feelings. Her legs trembled and she thought they would give in any second.

<< Alex, keep going! God, you’ve waited so long and now you’re finally able to get her. But what if Olivia isn’t interested in a serious relationship? Maybe she only wants to fuck the A.D.A. and I’m just a part of some bad bet between her and the guys?...I can feel her tremble under my touch. This is real. She’s just as nervous as I am. >>

“Really? How’s that, Olivia?” Alex asked innocently, holding on to the older woman, afraid that the moment she took off her hands, everything would disappear and she’d wake up in her lonely bed again. The blonde felt Olivia laugh, making Alex relax.

“You ordered me pizza after all, didn’t you?” Olivia answered, smiling widely when she turned around to face Alex. With Alex’s hand still on Olivia’s shoulder, they stood mere inches away from each other. The blonde enjoyed their little bantering and wasn’t ready to finish it.

“That I did, detective…Well, you definitely are easy to please, huh?” Alex teased the other one. Olivia looked down for a moment; before she turned her focus back onto the woman she loved with all her heart. When she glanced over to Alex, the brunette offered one of her mischievous smiles.

“That’s about right…I mean…That’s…at least; I’m very easy when you’re concerned.” Olivia explained, finally being able to articulate her feelings…

Fin

~~~~~~~

A/N:   There wasn’t that much feedback the last time, so I’m not quite sure if I should really    continue this lil’ encounter…
   For those who left some notes for me…ThX.

Afterwards I tried to make some icons...they're not enterly as goos as those I've seen but still....

Amanda Tapping


Stephanie March


Mariska Hargitay



Alex - Liv



Mary and Steph



Finally I did some music videos....

That's Alex's PoV....

That's Liv's PoV....

Again Alex's PoV...

And that's something that just screams for Alex-Liv...

Last but not least...that's some poem I wrote...

One Day It’s Heaven, One Day It’s Hell

I had everything and threw it away.
I had love but didn’t care for the next day.
I pushed you away, making lover to foe.
I broke up, believing that was what I wanted to.

You believed in me, saw something no one else did.
You cared for me deeply, that’s what I’ve to admit.
You were there for me; your strong arms around me.
You often looked at me, making me smile widely.

We shared the big, first love with a capital L.
We thought it’d never die, never going to sell.
We were meant to be, holding onto each other.
We lay in one another’s arms with nothing to bother.

First kiss, our mouths melting together easily.
First touches, hands running over skin - kindly.
First tears, hoping to never see them a 2nd time.
First love, I was yours and you were mine.

Now, everything we share is our past.
Now, you’ve forgotten me way too fast.
Now, I know what you meant to me.
Now, we’re never ever going to be.

your detective_KiT

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 15:24:47 GMT

FiNaLlY, fInAlLy!!!

I know it took me quite some time but I wanted the continuation to work just as fine as the first two parts.
Except from this I had a Gater-friend at my place for some days and that didn't help my SVU-shipperness, you know...

So here you go:

Title: Wallpapering 3/?

Author: detective_kit

Rating: later on: NC-17

Author’s Note: Am I really that good at flirting? Well, the only question coming up is why am I still single nevertheless?

I’m glad you enjoyed the 2^nd chapter just as much as Liv and Alex *wink*. ThX for your feedback so far, I really appreciate it.

Summary: Have you ever thought about how arousing a renovation can be? No, than here you go.

Disclaimer: There are just a few glimpses of Liv’s and Alex’s private lives on the show. That’s why we’re doomed to create some!!

Wallpapering 3/?

“Thanks for rescuing my ass. Wouldn’t want to bruise it, would we? Is there anything else I can do for you...” Alex asked while climbing down the ladder. Olivia stared into space, trying to make sense of the whole situation.

<< What just happened? Don’t tell me that I just stared down a co-worker’s body?! Not just any co-worker’s body, but a FEMALE co-worker’s body. Now, you will definitively go straight to hell, Olivia! What did Alex ask? God, you need to concentrate if you don’t want to look like some fool. She asked…bruise? This ass? Never! Not if I can help it. Anything else she can do for me? Yes, yes and yes. Just strip right in front of me…No, wait. Let me undress you. Whoa, I blush. That can’t be. Detective Olivia Bensons do not blush! Alex, please, help me out. >>

<< Well, I can’t believe it, but I shut up Olivia Benson. And whoa, what’s that? Her cheeks are red; red like some crimson poppy. I’m good. But you didn’t want Olivia to never talk to you again. Maybe you exaggerated a little. You could walk over to her and ask why she doesn’t answer. If she didn’t reply immediately you could show her the results of her disobedience. Now, you sound like some dominatrix. Who knows maybe that’s what the always strong detective needs in bed. Shut up, Cabot and try to make the best of this tricky situation. >>

“Well, we’ll see. I just think we should start to prep your love nest. That way you can make full use of it soon, don’t you think?” Olivia explained, regaining her composure back. Alex turned around and stared wide-eyed at Olivia, who just smiled at her. The brunette took a pail, went past Alex, and got some water to mix the paste. The brunette came back still smiling like she had won some high-score, while Alex still didn’t know how to reply. Olivia took one of the wallpaper rolls and indicated the younger woman to hold the end of it.

<< OK, Alex, she got you tongue-tied. Whom did she mean by this statement? Did she try to ask me…? No, that’s just not possible. Does she think that there’s someone else? God, there’s only…but can I tell her? Let’s test the water and see where this is going… Ready, Cabot? >>

“Sure, I want to put it into use. But I don’t know if there’s anyone who wants to join me. Do you know some, Olivia?” Alex asked innocently emphasizing the brunette’s first name as if to make an offer. Her heartbeat quickened to an unhealthy frequency when Olivia didn’t reply in the first place. In the middle of the deathly silence the phone rang. Alex sighed and left the bedroom to take the call.

“Hi Mum! What?....Yeah, the apartment is nearly done…No, I won’t need any professional help. As I said I want to do it by myself…” Alex tried to listen to her Mum on the other end of the wire, what seemed to be an impossible task. Olivia stood next to her and laughed out loud. Alex looked querying at her, trying to get straight what she just said in her mind. When she looked the older woman fair in the face, Alex caught some twinkling in Olivia’s eyes.

<< Whoa, Olivia where are your thoughts heading for? Not even I think THAT dirty. But I’m very good at playing this little game, making you some enemy of my seduction. We’ll see who gives in at first. However, I should really end this damn call, if I don’t want my Mum to listen to her daughter doing some Cabot unlike things. >>

“Mum, I’m sorry, but Olivia is helping me and I think she wants that I get off.” Alex hung up and couldn’t hide the smile on her face, when she looked up at Olivia. While the brunette tried to glance everywhere but at Alex, the younger woman took in the picture in front of her. Alex stared at the other woman’s lips as though they were the oxygen she needed to inhale. The blonde could feel Olivia’s mouth upon hers, leaving her whimper silently. She closed her eyes for some seconds. When she opened them again, the brunette stood right in front of her.

<< You don’t know how much I want you to get off, Alex. But did you have to tell your Mum? I mean what does she think of me now? Wait, what would you think of me if YOU knew? OK, she didn’t complain about your bantering…quite the contrary, she flirted right back at you. However, Alex is definitively out of your league, Olivia. Out of your league, out of reach. But she’s so close; I only need to close my eyes and lean forward, capturing her lips with mine. It would be so easy, but would make things more difficult. >> Olivia sighed and turned around, leaving Alex alone in the living room. The other woman followed close behind, watching Olivia’s professional movements.

<< Wow, the play of her muscles is fascinating. I could watch her forever, seeing how the sweat runs down her face. Further down her throat, getting lost between the valley of her breasts. God, they’re perfect. I wonder what it would feel like to let my hands stroke over her skin everywhere I want to. How does she taste like in her very private spots? Will I ever know? Alex, you know how to push their buttons…sure, you can press Olivia’s right ones, too. >> Alex thought about her next steps, when Olivia interrupted her train of thoughts, trying to take back the chair in their little encounter.

“Maybe you should turn off your phone. We wouldn’t want to be interrupted in the middle of whatsoever again, right?” Olivia purred as she passed the blonde. The older woman drew the measures taken by Alex on the wallpaper, lying on the paperhanger’s bench. When she didn’t receive any comment from Alex, she coughed, thinking that she finally overstepped the thin line they had built up. “I mean, I’m here to help you fix your apartment. Above all, I want to show you that cops can do more than chasing perps or talking rudely. Deal?” Olivia tried to worm herself out.

“You got yourself an oral contract with an attorney…you should know better than to breach the terms of it, detective. Unless you think you’re able to stand the legal consequence.” Alex explained wondering about the many different, satisfying sorts of punishments she got in her mind then and there. Alex continued the work Olivia had began, who seemed to be lost in her own world at this moment. The blonde cut the wallpaper to size and arranged the ladder on its right place. When she was done, Alex sat down on her bed, still standing in the middle of the room. She watched Olivia, watching her. “You ought to know better than to just stand there. Otherwise I may need to get authoritatively on you.” Alex suggested, hoping Olivia would be brave enough to will what the blonde just offered.

<< That answers the question whether Alex’s the more dominant one or not. Damn, I don’t know how much longer I can stand the throbbing between my legs without collapsing. I mean, she’s just talking to me. I really don’t know what will happen if she ever touches me. Olivia, you’re desperate to talk in plain language with Alex. Or else the flood will turn into some torrent. Maybe you should try to turn the tide. >> Olivia turned her attention back to the work at hand. She put the wallpaper glue onto the web and folded it by what Alex could give it to her, without it grazing the dusty floor. The brunette got onto the ladder and indicated Alex to hand over the width of the wallpaper roll. Now, it was Alex’s turn to stare openmouthed at the woman in front of her.

<< God, she’s hot. The perspiration wraps around her body. I guess it would mean no harm if I asked her to shower with me. I know for sure that I couldn’t take off my hands of her the sec’ she stood naked in front of me. Well, let’s see what the cop wears under her tight outfit. She climbed the ladder after all, offering me this irresistible view. I do nothing wrong. No, Alex, you just want to inspect a co-worker’s body…there’s nothing wrong about it, not even a little. >> Alex swallowed hard when she caught a glimpse of perfect olive skin. The blonde couldn’t hold back herself any longer and reached out towards the other woman. She felt velvet-soft skin under her fingertips. A shiver ran down her spine, leaving goose bump on every millimeter of her skin. When Alex realized what she had just done, a deep red covered her cheeks. << Now, you’re going crazy. Come on, you need some explanation. You’re an attorney, knowing how to remain at the wheel even though you’ve gotten nothing. >>

“Sorry, Olivia, just wanted to stabilize you. You’re doing great. Really. If I had known it, I would have asked you in the first place. So…is there anything else I can do to…relieve you?” Alex asked while Olivia climbed down the ladder, straightening out the last pieces of the web. The older woman smiled at Alex, nodding her head.

“Yes, there most definitively is something…We need to wait sometime to see if the wallpaper is fixed perfectly. In the meantime, we could tip the velvet like you suggested earlier.” Olivia had finally made up her mind and took the offensive.

“Well, I don’t know, detective. This wasn’t part of the deal we confirmed, was it? But I feel honored that you sacrifice your time to give some helpless woman like me a hand. That’s why I will satisfy one of your desires…Pizza? Beer? What’s it? You just need to tell me, Liv.” Alex purred waiting for Olivia to answer….

Fin

~~~~~

A/N: That was a tough job, believe me. Mostly, because it’s difficult to keep Alex and Olivia going without them ripping down their clothes immediately.

Sorry that it took me so long again…but anticipation is the most pleasant joy!

I long for feedback maybe with an advice whether to start their closer inspection of each other or not. ThX!

your kit

sOmE nEw StUfF i NeEd To PuBlIsH

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 18:13:14 GMT

HI!

At the moment I'm enjoying my last summer holidays, but A/O stay in my mind like they're my mantra. That'S why I worked out a very, very new fanfic and a new video.

Here you go:

First of all the fanfic:

Title: Love hurts…like fucking hell and it won’t stop; never ever!

Author: detective_kit

Rating: PG-13

Author’s Note: I’ve been to the birthday-party of a very close friend of mine…I had to be there and –damn- Sophie as well. It was one of the most horrible nights I’ve ever experienced. But in the end, it has been the last time I’d to face her and that’s the best thing ever happening to me.

I’ve no idea how a transform in case of the police processes, so I’m sorry for the turn the story took.

Summary: Liv is invited to a party at Elliot’s, where she’s facing Alex for the last time ever.

Disclaimer: God, I do love my sexy Det. Benson except that she’s just not mine. Never had been and never will be, so what else’s there to charge me for?

Love hurts…like fucking hell and it won’t stop; never ever!

I look at the clock, assuring myself that there is still an hour left until I’m going to face her again. Again, but for the last time ever. Somehow I feel relieved, knowing that she’s never going to take place in my life again. I won’t have to be in the same room like her again, feeling as being non-existent. Non-existent because she’s not even able to look me in the eyes while saying hello to me. Saying hello to me, but wishing I wasn’t there. I already put a blouse and some fitting jeans on, and now I’m counting the minutes until the end of my own nightmare.

The decision I came to was the most difficult I ever had to make. I’m going to leave my friends behind, my job, my habits, my whole life. Everything, because of some homophobic bitch who turned my life into a torture, turned my world upside down. Someone who I believed in, who I trusted with my life, with my everything. But Alex betrayed my trust. Alex took my self-assurance away. She snatched the devotion from me and threw it into the garbage, leaving it lying between my ripped out heart and my lost trust.

I just can’t stand the pain any longer. Therefore I need to draw a final stroke. I need to leave my sorrow behind. Behind, so that I can start over. Start over to forget about my past, turning me into a picture of misery. I don’t want to be reminded of the things I can’t have every sec’ I see her. Every single minute I’m next to her, I feel my heart aching; aching for something that’s unattainable.

I tried to distract myself by drinking myself nearly to unconsciousness, working almost 24 hours per day, running until I had stitches in the side. Nothing worked. It seems to be hopeless. It’s as though I’ve been captivated in a cell, with no one finding me. No one’s there to get me out of the confinement; out of the darkness. The only one who is able to release me is I. I’ve to pull myself out of the shadows of the world all by myself. I glance over to the clock again and stand up, ready to put the gloom to an end.

When Elliot had asked me to come to some BBQ, I wasn’t sure whether to agree or not. In the end I thought it would be great to have a possibility to say goodbye to everyone. As I had told Elliot, I would leave and move into another city, he just stared at me. Elliot tried to hold me back, for a second or two, before he said that it might be a good chance to get to terms with myself. Ten minutes later the whole squad knew about my coming departure. However, there had been no one who seemed to be sad or who tried to talk me into staying. Well, what did I expect? That people would mourn over my leaving? That Alex would try to hold me back? That she would apologize and we would get involved? Stupid, stupid, stupid!! But it’s the right decision nevertheless.

I close the apartment door behind me and go downstairs, taking long deep breaths. I can do this. I’m not going to doubt my plans for the future. I’ve been only a shadow of my former self for far too long. Something’s going to change and I know I can do it. While convincing myself , I get into the car and head for Elliot’s.

I ring the bell and am greeted by a smiling Elliot. He steps towards me and takes me into his arms. It feels as though nothing has changed. It’s as if the connection between the two of us was never broken. He whispers in my ear that he wishes me good luck and that he’s happy to know me. Since months I feel comfortable in his presence. It’s amazing. I glance over his shoulder and see Kathy standing there, smiling warmly at me.

Together we go over into the garden and sit down. For the first time since forever I enjoy myself and my environment. I enjoy that I’m alive. Alive, although I nearly committed suicide. The bell rings and Elliot goes over to open it. I already hear Munch talking to Fin and smile at Kathy who just rolls her eyes. The three guys settle down around the table and I look intensely at them.

Munch starts talking about his new found love, about being happy as never before. While he keeps telling us the story of the first meeting with the woman, called Claire, El stares fondly at Kathy and she has just the same expression on her face. That’s when Fin interrupts Munch to reveal his secret. God, that’s just not true. Tell me, that I’m dreaming and that I’ll wake up any minute. Why do they have to talk about something as painful as love right now? This evening is just a damn roller coaster. First I’m surprised by Elliot’s kindness and then I’m greeted by the depth of my pain.

I take a deep breath and am ready to divert the conversation into another direction when we’re interrupted by the bell again. Now, I feel my whole body begin to shake. A shiver runs down my spine and I just want to run away. What did I think to come here tonight? She will treat me the same way she had done all along and I’ll be crying the whole night again. I just didn’t think this through, damn it.

When I look up, she walks around the table, saying hello to everyone. Well, I’m wondering whether she greets me too or not. Alex goes around and reaches her hand out towards me. I take her hand and shake it, seeing that she looks everywhere but at me. The contact of our hands is gone, with me barely recognizing the touch. Alex can’t even look at me; not for a single second. I’m not able to look into her beautiful blue eyes. She doesn’t give me the possibility to see the most awesome color I’ve ever laid eyes onto. But why? Does she think that I drool all over her, the moment she looks at me? I’ve to admit that I’m already surprised that she shook hands with me. I don’t know the last time we did so. Her skin felt so soft against the palm of my hand. I glance dreamily down at it. Okay, I’ve got to regain my composure back, because this is the last time I spend together with the whole squad.

I follow Alex’s every move with my eyes and feel as though somebody gripped me by my throat, making it impossible for me to breath. She’s so at ease with Kathy and that’s the worst thing. I could have been in Kathy’s place, if I hadn’t let my feelings overwhelm my logic. I could have laughed with her, I could have made her smile, I could have let her feel this easiness. But I can’t, I just can’t anymore.

Except for Alex not even glancing at me for once, the evening is alright. Elliot takes care of me and George, who came by too, stays at my side so that I don’t have to face the party all alone. I’ve stared at Alex for quite some time now and the bad thing is that she still looks unbelievable amazing. I just don’t know why I still think she’s the most sexy, most beautiful woman in the world. But she is. She’s perfect. Everything about her is perfect: her face, her lips, her eyes, her body. God, her body.

I guess if she had come over, asking me to sleep with her, I would have said yes. Alex had caused me more pain than anyone else, but I would have wanted to show her what she missed by rejecting me. I would have showed her that being licked by a woman is much better than being fucked by a man. While I imagine those scenarios, Alex sits down across from me.

She wears a black blouse, complimenting her figure perfectly. A blue jeans show off her ass in a way that makes me want to squeeze it. Some long necklace completes the picture of my own goodness. Her long curls hang down onto her shoulders, leaving me wondering how it feels like to wrap my fingers into her hair. Alex had applied just some make-up, emphasizing her blue orbs. I admire her as openly as I’m able to, considering that the Cap’s here too.

I laugh out loud, when George makes some stupid joke, just to let her see that I’m alright without her. I only want to show her that I don’t need her any longer, that I don’t cry over her. Sure, I’ve cried over her. I’ve cried myself to sleep so many nights that I’m afraid that’s the only way for me to fall asleep. But I no longer let her see me through. That happened way too often in the last months.

The party comes to an end, approaching my farewell. I’m not depressed, because I’m looking forward to a new life. I’m delighted to have the chance to turn my being from darkness into sunshine. I’m unbelievable content to get my life back into my hand, to hog it out of Alex’s palms. I’m finally able to live again.

But who am I to kid myself? It’ll be hell in the first months. I’m not too naïve to think that moving into another city is going to erase all of my problems. Just because I don’t have to see Alex everyday doesn’t mean that she’ll never crosses my mind again. She’ll be haunting me silently in the nights like she’s doing it these days. Every time I see some blonde woman who wears a power suit just like her, my heart will hurt immensely. But it’ll be easier. Easier because I don’t see the real thing again. The real thing, letting me feel the real pain. The pain caused by the most incidental but in the same moment the most painful feeling in the world.

Everyone stands up and together we head to the door. It feels surreal. At the moment I just don’t understand that I’ll never see the guys again. Never be able to just sit in some cop bar together, drinking and forgetting about some brutal case again. I will never ever spend a funny picnic with Elliot, Kathy and the kids once more. I look around and see the same expression on Elliot’s face. Even the captain seems to be a little sad, making me realize that there are people who care about me. There are people to whom I matter. There are people who just wish me the best. I bite my lower lip and smile at them. How could I doubt about them? Well, I guess it’s true: The eyes of love are blind. Alex kept my eyes shut, leaving me alone in my murky cell, segregating me from my friends. She made me think that I’m not worth a friendship. She made me think that I’m some bastard who’s doomed to be left alone with no one to hold onto.

We’re standing in quite a warm summer night, saying goodbye to one another. I embrace Fin and Munch and even the cap. Everyone tells me that they don’t want me to leave, but that they understand. That surprises me because they don’t really know the reason but still they respect my decision, what’s amazing. I hug El even though we’re going to see each other tomorrow to have a last proper talk. I glance over to Alex who’s standing a little away from the group. She’s not looking at us; she doesn’t seem to be disappointed, not even a little. I thought, she would feel slightly guilty for the things she did to me, but she doesn’t. I know it shouldn’t surprise me but it does nevertheless. I take a deep breath and scream so that she’s able to hear me.

“Goodbye Alex...” there’s no reaction so I try it a little louder for a second time: “Goodbye Alex. A little more euphoria here, please. You finally get rid of me!” I say fair in her face, still being separated from her by several steps. I don’t care about what the others may think. I said those words, meaning every little piece of them. There are so many other things I want to say to her, but I bite my tongue. It wouldn’t help me after all, making me just as bad a person as Alex herself.

“That was completely unnecessary!” Alex states moments later. Well, that’s more of a reaction than I thought I would receive. But still there’s no apologize, no guilty exclaiming, no soothing words from her. Those cold last words will stay with me forever. I will remember them by heart; because it’s the last time I heard her voice. The voice I so desperately hoped to hear, moaning my name in ecstasy.

I glance at her for the very last time, taking in the picture of the woman who hurt me deeply. The picture of the woman who made me smile in my dreams. The woman I could stare at forever more. Stare at and would never get tired of. I take in her silhouette in the dim light of the street lamp. God, I need to avert my gaze from her.

I sit down in my car and start the engine. I stare in front of me, trying to calm down my faster heartbeat. My grip around the steering wheel tightens, turning my knuckles white. From here on starts my new life. As soon as I step on the gas, I leave my past behind. Not Alex will get rid of me but I of her. I stare up at the sky and see a shooting star. I smile and close my eyes, wishing to finally start over…

FIN

~~~~~~~~

A/N: That’s the final part. You’ll never have to read about a homophobic Alex again!! At least not from me…

Those things Liv and Alex said were really exchanged between me and Sophie…But I WANT to leave Germany, what’s got nothing to do with Sophie. So the decision is not a big deal for me. I’m heading for Canada (work-and-travel) next January and I’m looking forward to it.

I’d like some feedback ‘cause it enlightens my day *wink*

Secondly the music video:

Last but not least me (from the party mentioned in "Lover hurts...like fucking hell and it won't stop; never ever!"

detective_kit

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 19:15:34 GMT

Here you go!

I spent some time with my computer and it forced me into creating more and more music videos centered around our lovely Alex and Olivia!
I hope you enjoy them:

And that'S just something centered around some unimportant lil' girl: ME

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And I've got some question...I want to go to the "chocolate beats" in Magdeburg, Saxony-Anhalt, Germany. IT's for sure that it won't be any fun when I'm on my own. There are some friends who come along, but I'm looking for someone to dance and kid with...Feel free to mail me.

Your detective_kit

Check those out!

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 16:55:22 GMT

Hi!

I just tried to create some wallpapers all by myself. i don't know if they're any good but I had to give it a try anyway!
Maybe you even like them, then let me know....

First of all Stephanie March

Secondly: Stephanie March alias Alex Cabot

Awesome, isn't she?

The beauty queen: Mariska Hargitay alias Det. Benson

WoW..can't find the words to describe this...

I love those pics...that smile - it's gonna kill me someday!

The best damn thing that your eyes have ever seen - that's for sure!

The L-Word...lovely, don't ya think?!

My favourite actress!!!!!!! I just adore her.

They just look goooooood together!

hopefully you enjoyed them!

your detective_kit

searching!

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 20:08:16 GMT

So here I am in this journal and I don't really know what to do. I mean I posted some coments here and there and I even posted some fanfics.
But still I feel lost and I just hope to find some nice guys, you know! Sure, I could admit that I'm really searching for someone (just like the headline implies it) and I guess, that's what I do now!
My last relatrionship ended quite some time ago and now I'm sick and tired of being single. It's been far too long.
Yeah, I think I still have some kind of crush on some stupid bitch who can't bring herself around to talk to me anymore...since she knows. That's what my fanfics are about.
Now, I think I should start something new. I'm ready...somehow!

Just mail me or something.

Bye, detective_kit

fanfiction 2 - Wallpapering 1

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 15:16:27 GMT

Hey you!

I know there are some stupid shippers just like me, so I thought I do you a fave and add some of my owm creation - just for you *sink*!

It's just some crazy idea...

Author:            detective_kit
Title:            Wallpapering 1/?
Rating:            later on: NC-17
Author’s Note:        At the very moment I’m helping my Mom to move. That means painting and wallpapering and decorating and so on. During such a session, the vision of my two favourites on Law and Order: SVU popped into my mind.
            This story implies a same sex relationship and those things that go along with it *wink* For my defence: In my English lessons in a GERMAN high school I never learned vocabularies containing love making, above all love making of two women…so be kind, please.
Summary:        Have you ever thought about how arousing a renovation can be? No, than here you go.
Disclaimer:        Nothing has changed, as usual I still don’t own them, but I own my imagination. I’m still playing with Liv and Alex and they are playing with me therefore I found myself here, writing this fic.

Wallpapering 1/?

Detective Olivia Benson sat at her desk, staring at a file which lay in front of her. She already had spent an hour looking at the folder without a coherent clue of what the case was about. Every single second her thoughts drifted back to a blonde ADA who had caught her attention several months ago. What was it about this woman that finally got under her skin? She just wasn’t sure! Maybe it was the swaying of her hips, when she walked in the squad room or out of it for that reason. Because than she was able to stare without getting caught. At least not caught by Alex, but in case of the guys…definitely another story. But who in his right mind wouldn’t fall for those blue eyes? But it wasn’t just the physical beauty; for that it just would have been some crush. Some thing she would have gotten over more easily. It was the beauty underneath she was captivated of. The soul of some knight in shining armour. Hard to link this with the image of the ice queen, but that was just the way Olivia Benson saw the SVU’s ADA.

<< You really have dower to fall for the straight, blue-blooded woman. Oh my God, there she is again. This click-clacking of her heels is following me into my dreams. Those dreams in which this stunning woman exclaims her love for me. Those dreams in which I am able to touch her everywhere I want to. Those dreams in which she whispers my name. Whispers that turn into screams when she is coming. Coming for me and only me. Get your thoughts out of your gutter, Benson! >> With this the detective turned around to greet an overworked Alex Cabot.

“Good Morning, Alex. Sorry to say that, but you look a little…beaten. Is everything alright?” A concerned Olivia asked the woman in front of her. Alex sighed and cocked her head to one side as if to emphasize the other woman’s statement.

She was overworked, stressed and tired after all. Two days ago she had started to renovate her apartment, believing the weekend would be enough to wallpaper it. God, had she been wrong. Everything was a total chaos. Nothing was where it belonged. Maybe Alex should have listened to her mom, when she told her she should call some professionals who would fix her whole apartment in less than one day. But stubborn as she was, she wanted to do it on her own. She wanted to look at her apartment and say “Hey that you have done all by yourself.” She snapped back from her thoughts and looked in those chocolate brown eyes which were full of concern. Concern for her? She shook her head to brush those guesses aside. Maybe she looked as shitty as she felt and that caught Olivia by surprise. Alex herself was the ice queen incapable of humanly feelings. At least that was what everyone believed.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right, Olivia.” Alex sighed again and sat down on the edge of Olivia’s desk. She didn’t know why she did so. If she was honest, she did not know a thing when it came to Det. Benson. She acted out of her instincts; something she hadn’t done for what felt like a lifetime. Something just some pubescent teenagers do. This laugh – just to get the attention you’re longing for. This touch – just to gauge the other one’s reaction. This innocent flirting – just to hear the one you have a crush on laugh and see her blush.

<< A crush? How old are you, Cabot? Fifteen again? Be honest with yourself! You’re in love with this adorable woman. But she is a closed case, who knows if you ever get her attention the way you want. You don’t even know if she plays on the same team. And when she does so…will an independent woman who is sure of her right place in this world ever fall for an arrogant bitch like you? >> She cleared her throat and tried to think of something to say. What wasn’t that easy, with her eyes wandering over Olivia’s very tight shirt. What exactly were they talking about some seconds ago?

<< Oh yeah…me looking shitty. What a start of the day… >> Alex gathered all her strength and fought her sight back to Olivia’s face. This task wasn’t much easier because of the oh-so-kissable lips but she had to give it a try anyway.

“You know, the independent woman, sitting in front of you, tried to wallpaper her apartment all alone and failed miserably.” She offered it as a little piece of self-criticism but smiled because of her own stupidity. Maybe she could get the detective into some renovation. No, she wasn’t being selfish; not at all. It was more about giving the detective a chance to stay in good shape. She was a woman after all, a blonde woman who knew how to look helpless, if she needed to do so.

“That sounds like some fun.” said Olivia, looking the woman sitting on her desk up and down. ADA Cabot in some tight top and shorts; a paint brush in one hand and some wallpaper in the other, what a picture. But her imagination did not end with the blonde woman standing in the middle of her bedroom ready to renovate it. It was much more in the bed with Alex on top of her. She coughed before facing Alex again.

“That’s what it could have been, if I hadn’t done it for the first time…You know what they say, detective, the very first time is always the most difficult…” she explained in a husky voice. Alex winked at the detective, trying to gauge the other woman’s reaction. Did the confident detective really blush? Or was it just her wishful thinking playing little tricks with her? No, Olivia did in fact look down for some seconds, trying to cover her embarrassment. Point taken, Alex. Let’s see how far you can go?

<< Wait, where are those thoughts coming from? And what do they mean? Do you really want to make a fool of yourself, Cabot? But on the other hand, how do you want to fulfil your secret dreams, when you don’t dare to hit the road? Take a deep breath! You’re a grown woman; you know how to handle yourself. >> While absorbed in her thoughts, Alex didn’t recognize how the detective got out of her chair. Olivia was now standing right in front of her, gazing at her with those deep brown eyes, giving Alex one of her lopsided smiles.

“Yeah, I heard about it, but it’s already too long ago to really remember this special time. So, what do you think about me giving you a hand, counsellor. Feeling brave enough?” Olivia arched an eyebrow and looked the prosecutor straight in her eyes. Why was she flirting with Alex? It wasn’t as if they shared more than a professional relationship. Sometimes they went for a drink or even ate dinner together, but there had never been something more. For Olivia Alex meant much much more, however she had never reacted on it. Olivia felt her heart racing up to an unhealthy speed, when Alex didn’t answer in the first place. The detective bit her tongue. Had she already screwed up everything? Had she said too much? Or was Alex just considering the right answer to her stupid question? Olivia was ready to get a wigging when the blonde finally began to speak.

“I don’t know…If you feel brave enough to get dirty, I’ll look forward to see you. Above all I need to tip some velvet and it’s not that much fun when I have to do it on my own, you know.” Alex offered suggestive. Sure, she was talking about her velvet couch. What else could she have in mind? Olivia beamed. Ok, maybe Olivia Benson did read the book…

“Wouldn’t want to miss that for a sec’. When do you want me to come?” Olivia couldn’t stop those words from floating. And she couldn’t erase the smile off her face. She really enjoyed this. She would head out of the precinct just in time. She would head straight to Alex’s apartment, not wanting to waste any minute. Not wanting to be apart from Alex for longer than absolutely necessary. Alex looked around before leaning into Olivia’s personal space.

“You know what it’s like, detective, business before pleasure.” Alex winked before adding: “Come over around 4 p.m., if that’s ok by you. You have my address?” Alex asked matter-of-factly; as if she hadn’t just flirted with the most beautiful woman in the whole state. What was she thinking, the most beautiful woman on this whole damn planet.

<<Wow, the morning had in fact turned out to be on top of my ‘favourite mornings’-list. The only one that could outrange it would be an awakening next to my detective. My? Since when did you call her yours? Mine…that sounds so good. Mine, yeah, that’s what she’s going to be, if I can help it. >>

“Yeah, I’ve got it. I guess I see you then. If there is something coming up, I’m going to call you…you know, I have no control over New York’s perps,” Olivia said and was ready to let Alex go when it stroke her. She didn’t have a clue what Alex was here for in the first place. Even though the other detectives hadn’t been here so far, so that they couldn’t give Olivia one of their knowing smiles, she didn’t want Alex to come over again. That would take her quite some time and than they couldn’t meet by time. Just thinking about the meeting made her life a brighter place. Did Alex know what power she held over Olivia?

“Alex? What did you come here for?...I mean, don’t get me wrong, I liked this encounter a lot, but I don’t want you to spent another ten minutes ride just for coming over here for a second time.” Olivia tried to make her point clear. Alex gave her a little smile before taking a warrant out of her briefcase, waving it about Olivia’s face.

“Here you go. You can thank me later, detective.” And with those words the ADA left the precinct. Mesmerized by the swaying of the blonde’s hips, Olivia slumped down in her chair. She was full of anticipation of what the day would bring.

Fin Part 1

~~~~~
Remember: As a German I am not used to figure of speech (or suggestiveness for that matter), so it was a little difficult for me. But I hope you enjoyed this little warming-up nevertheless. You want to know if those two manage to renovate Alex’s apartment without any…interruptions? Than I need some feedback…pretty please.

part 2 --> Love hurts like fucking hell!

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 15:11:01 GMT

I just wrote the sequel to "Love hurts" even though i guess something really sad...hope you enjoy it anyway!

Author:            detective_kit
Title:            Love hurts…like fucking hell!
Rating:            PG-13
Author’s Note:        To read this one you need to go through “Love hurts” beforehand.
I know most of you hate the idea of Alex being homophobic and believe me I do as well, but someone needs to hold the baby.
Olivia’s POV.
Summary:        Olivia tries to stay sane while being treated like a contagious disease.
Disclaimer:        I don’t own them, wish I would…but then it would be much more a threesome *rofl*
Those implied characteristics have got nothing to do with the characters on the show; otherwise I wouldn’t love Alex that much.

Love hurts…like fucking hell

I feel so lost that I don’t know where I belong to. I feel lost without a buoy to hold on to. I feel lost in a deep, wide sea. A sea with the blue of her eyes. The eyes of the woman who took my heart away. My heart, my soul and everything that I used to be. Used to be because I am no longer able to stay the way I had been before the “special night” as I call it these days.

I sigh and stand up, heading to the kitchen. At first I want to pour me a glass of scotch, but I know better than to drown my sorrow in drink. That’s what I used to do before her. Now even getting drunk seems to be useless. The emptiness inside me just won’t disappear. It hunts me; just like her smile when I try to close my eyes, to sleep. But in contrast to the hole in my heart, sleep never follows me. I grab a water bottle from the countertop and head back to the couch, lying down and closing my eyes.

The “special night” crosses my mind again for the umpteenth time this night. How could I tell her? How could I believe in her? I never should have done so. I never should have let her in; letting her look behind my everlasting mask. I guess it was because she was the first one that really impressed me. I was awed by her as I was by my ex-girlfriend. Maybe even more. But she doesn’t deserve my love. I have to repeat this sentence again and again, until I finally believe it.

Since that night we hadn’t a real conversation. Ever. The only reason we met was to testify or anything else containing cases. Even than she was as cold as ice towards me. She didn’t look at me. She didn’t speak to me but the detective who worked her cases. But than again, what had I expected? I asked her to stay away from me. I asked her to take the best thing that ever happened to me away. Nevertheless I didn’t ask her to leave me lying on the floor bleeding.

Once more I wonder what would have happened, if I hadn’t told her the truth. Would we still be friends? Would I feel better? That’s for sure! At least I wouldn’t lie on my couch on a friday night while the guys and Alex are celebrating a won case. Yes, that’s what it is like now – my life. I put every bit of my energy in the cases. I work myself to death for every victim that enters the squad’s entrance. That way all thoughts, considering Alex, stay out of my mind. That’s until I come back to my apartment. Until I see how lonely I am. I think my apartment just reflects the person I’m nowadays. I’m alone, empty. My thoughts are dark. Just like the apartment when the night settles in and I’m too burnt out to stand up and turn on the lights. Sometimes it feels as if my life became a big black hole. Everything that ever meant something to me is soaked up by the monstrous hole. I try to cling onto the things I most need. But it seems as though they already slipped out of my hand.

I abruptly open my eyes, not liking the direction in which my thoughts are running. I need to focus on the things I still have in my life. I sit up and shiver. All of a sudden I feel cold. I take the blanket, lying on the other end of the couch and wrap it around my body. I stare in the black nothing of my apartment. How could everything end up this way?

You know, when I’m in a room with her I’m determined to look everywhere but at her. I just can’t lay eyes on her, because once I’d do so, I would be lost. Sure I look over to her, observing her from the corner of my eyes. However, I never do really look at her. If you had asked me what she wore the last time I saw her I wouldn’t have been able to answer you. I’m just too afraid to let my gaze wander about her body. Most of all because I could get caught by her and I’m terrified that she would think less of me than she already does. If that’s ever possible.

I hate it but I just do what she does: thinking less of myself, I mean. I start to wonder, why Alex treats me the way she does. Is it because I’m not worth a friendship? Is it because I don’t deserve some happiness in my life? Is it because I’m who I am? Some rapist’s fault. Some gay woman. Someone who drinks to stay sane. Sometimes I brood if I should change the person I am. The most basics of Olivia Benson. Maybe with those changes I would have more than only a dozens of friends.

George told me that changing myself for other people wouldn’t help me. But when I asked him, WHAT would help me, he just sat there, staring at me. But I didn’t let him in at all. Not the way I should have. I didn’t tell him that I cry every night. I didn’t tell him that I haven’t slept through a whole night for eight months. I didn’t tell him that I fear to fall apart. Yeah, that’s what the worst of all of this. I’m frightened that some day I’m going to lose it. That I lose it and just pull the trigger. Who would be there to rescue me? Nobody! A single tear runs down my face and I know I’m just two steps away from breaking down.

Every now and then I try to picture Alex, finding me this way. Me- everything but the strong caring detective. How would she react? Would she feel sorry for me? Would she feel guilty? Would she run the opposite direction, not knowing how to handle all of this? Would she look down at me, being ashamed of the embarrassingly breakdown of a co-worker? I opt for the latter.

I look at the clock above the TV. 9:48 p.m. it reads. I guess they’re still at the bar, having quite some fun – without me. I already rejected two invitations to celebrate a won case with the silliest of silly excuses. I just can’t stand the bitchy way Alex treats me. Mostly, because it seems as though she pulls all of my friends away. I know that sounds ridiculous but it just feels that way. Elliot seems to be much more comfortable with Alex at the very moment than he feels around me. I know he would never admit it but I guess it’s got something to do with the “special night”. Maybe it’s just the whole straight-thing. He’s straight, Alex’s straight. That way Alex got more in common with him than I. My sexuality had never been a problem between the two of us, but at the very moment I can’t come up with a better explanation for our separation. Perhaps he just got to terms about our friendship and concluded that he no longer needs me as a friend. Somehow I’m angry with Alex because of this. She steals everything away from me. Not just my self-confidence, my heart, my soul, my self-esteem but my friends and my very own things that belonged to my life.

But there’s not just Elliot. There are Munch and Fin, too. I found an explanation for Elliot, or at least I think I did, but what’s it about Fin and Munch I’m not sure. I can’t put it on the “special night” because they don’t know about it. That’s why I assume it’s got something to do with me. It has to be. Is it my sarcasm? I know a lot of people can’t handle it. I really know that. But the four of us had a great deal of laughs because of my kind of humour. There are so many memories we’ve got. Memories I know for sure they don’t share with Alex. But it’s still me who’s left behind. Every time I have to remind me that I put myself in this position. Maybe I should really consider the whole changing option.

I stand up, delivering myself from the blanket and go over to the window. During my monologue I didn’t recognize that it had started raining. It is as if Heaven is crying with me. I stare out the window, seeing people heading home, heading home to their loved ones. Single raindrops are running down my window just like my tears are streaming down my face. I put my forehead down against the cool of the window. I take deep breaths, trying to regain my control. I’m not used to cry, I’m not used to tears. But above all I’m not used to feel lost.

I wonder if Alex still carries some of our memories with her. Is she still thinking about me? Sometimes when she listens to a song we both loved or when she watches some TV show we used to talk about over lunch? I do hope so from the bottom of my heart but I know that she isn’t. It’s me who’s suffering over all those memories, those happenings I used to live for. The sound of her laugh is still ringing in my ears. I still see her, flashing a smile towards me when I made some stupid remark about Donnelly’s clothes. I still see her deep blue eyes. Those eyes which shimmered with tears when she told me that Trevor had broken up with her. I still feel her shiver in my arms when I held her, when I tried to sooth her. How can she forget all of this? How can she just sweep me away from her mind? Didn’t I mean anything to her? Not even the smallest of a bit?

I sit back down on the couch and see my cell phone. I wonder how Elliot would react when I called him now. Maybe he would come over and try to ease my pain. No, I guess he would tell me that everything was just fine and that I worry too much. Would I believe him? No, I stopped believing in other people when Alex pushed me away because of who I am.

Sure she already tried to convince me, that her distance towards me had nothing to do with my sexuality. But be honest, would you believe her? No. See that’s just what I don’t, too! During this conversation she stood there; cold as ever. Alex stood there, telling me that she never really liked me. She stood there, telling me that I never mattered in her life, never had and never will. She stood there, telling me that she just pretended that we were good friends because she didn’t want to destroy whatever freedom existed in our squad. As if that hadn’t already been enough, Alex explained that she hated my sarcasm. In the end she called me a “player”. A player. Someone who doesn’t show her feelings. Someone who doesn’t care about other human’s feelings. That’s what SHE said to ME. She who doesn’t care a hang about what she did and still does to me. She who threw me away like an old dull she no longer needed. She who pretended all along that she felt comfortable in my presence. I was speechless, my mouth wide opened and I didn’t know how to respond. Throughout all my training during the police academy I had never been prepared for such a situation.

I slam my fist against the couch table in front of me. I don’t feel the pain. I don’t feel anything. All I feel are my tears rolling down my cheeks. Hot and wet against my sensible, dry skin. How do I survive this darkness? How do I get through all this bullshit? Who is there to rescue me? Am I able to go on with my life? I glance over to the small table in the hall and see my gun…

FIN

~~~~~~~~~

A/N:    That was my sequel. I hope you liked it even though it was a little…sad. Feedback is
welcomed as ever. Most thanks go to George (Caro/Susi), to Elliot (Maria), Fin (Franzi), Munch (Denise) and again to Alex (Sophie).

detective_kit

fanfiction 1 - love hurts

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 14:23:06 GMT

i wrote this some time ago but it's still somewhere in my heart!!
hope you enjoy reading it...if not, leave me a comment and i try to improve it.

alex/liv rulez!!

Gib den Inhalt deines Cuts hier ein.

Author: detective_kit

Title: Love hurts

Rating: PG-13

Author’s Note: This is my first “Law and Order: SVU”, above all English fanfic ever. I

just experienced this whole stuff all by myself and I needed to write everything down. You know, I tried to liberate myself from all those bad memories. Therefore I used Olivia. Before I start this sad, terrific thing I want to make sure that you know that I really want Alex and Liv to be together, but in this case it was not possible. Sorry.

Liv’s POV.

Summary: How does it feel like to pour out your heart in front of someone who just wants to be friends?

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Dick Wolf, I do not own anything. I just borrowed those characters and played with them (Olivia is a really good companion in playing dirty strip poker ;-)), but they will get them back by the time I’m done with them...

I told her everything without even knowing the reason for it. My head pushed me to shut up, to close my mouth, to remain silent. But than there was my heart forcing me to come out with the truth, with the hidden feelings deep inside me. It had been a battle, which I knew would have been won by my soul sooner or later.

It was one of those evenings we usually celebrated a won case. This going-out-scenario was a way to calm down and forget about all those crimes, massacres and those outrages pretended to be made out of love. We that mean Elliot, Fin, Munch, Don, me and her, Alex, sat around a table, trying to get over this terrifying case that lay behind us. The atmosphere was quite well; otherwise I wouldn’t have got myself around to tell Alex how I felt about her.

I don’t really know how long I already carried these hidden feelings with me before this night back there in the bar. The first time I laid my eyes on her I knew that it would be a tough job, trying not to fall in love with her. Sometimes I caught myself staring at her when no one would watch. This glasses she wore drove…no, they still drive me crazy. She just looks so damn sexy that it takes every bit of willpower not to take her right then and there on her desk. And with this night I screwed up everything that might have been. No, I don’t think that Cabot is into women, not after what she just said; she said without caring about what she did to me. I mean I have never felt so awfully ashamed about myself. Not even at the moment my mother told me my father was a rapist and I was just some product of violence- no love. Maybe that is the reason why I never got into a real relationship. Alex…Damn just thinking about her makes my entire soul cry. My heart arches like fucking hell and I just want to lock myself in my bedroom, never coming out again. That way I would not have to look her in the eyes again. Never ever seeing this disgusting look in her eyes, giving me the impression that I‘m the same little bastard my father was.

We started to get good friends. You know, we went to dinner for a few times and we even watched a movie together after a very hard week with perps calling us bitches or something like that. I couldn’t tell you what the movie was about even if the president of the US in person had asked me. All I was focused on was this woman sitting next to me. Alex wore one of her shorter skirts, so I had a very good sight of her long legs. I remember imagining kissing and stroking these legs. At some point during the movie she caught me staring at her and I blushed like never before. It took quite some time until I recovered from the frightened look I saw in her eyes - even in the darkness. Maybe Alex already sensed something back there in the cinema. After this night I talked to Elliot. OK, I didn’t do it voluntary; he forced me to talk to him and I was kind of too exhausted (You can imagine how much I slept after this movie…), so I had given in very easily. He asked me what was going on with me and everything I could think about was our ADA Alexandra Cabot, as a result I told him.

“Are you trying to tell me that you’re in love with our arrogant ADA? Wow, that’s way out of what I had imagined…” these were the first words that escaped Elliot after I whispered something incoherent – even to my ears.

“I guess so. I don’t know how I could get myself into this shit. I mean just look at her, El, every pore of her screams ‘straight’. Plus she’s from old money. You know, right from the start I tried to focus on everything but her…Maybe it was her smile, the love for her work, her kicking-ass attitude that finally got under my skin. And now I try to spend as much time with her as humanly possible and at the same time it hurts like hell. Fuck, El, how do I get myself out of this dilemma?” I nearly got myself to tears at this statement. Afterwards I tried to pretend that everything was just fine and Alex never asked. I guess she was too afraid of the answer she might have heard. We got along very well even though it ripped my heart out every time I was around her, but unable to touch her, to reassure her that she would make the case and would get the bastard behind the bars.

The bar was stuffy and crowded but for me it was the paradise because she was sitting next to me. We shared body heat and sometimes she reached for my hand or just smiled at me. I love her smile. It lits her whole face up. But a real smile of hers, the one that reaches her eyes, that was rare. And this night Alex flashed me three. Normally one of those smirks appeared once in a month. This gave me support in gathering the courage to ask her for a conversation. Maybe the mood the usually collected Alex Cabot was in did the rest. Elliot looked over to me and gave me an encouraging smile, implying that I was about to do the right thing. I took a deep breath before I asked her if she hadn’t got five minutes for me. I think my exact words were something like this:

“Hey Alex…Do you…I mean, could I may talk to you? I just need five minutes. We don’t have to do it right now, so…” I stammered. Before I could get any further, her hand reached for mine and she stood up. Alex smiled widely at me as she said that I absolutely knew how prying she was, so that she couldn’t wait any longer. We sidled through the crowd. It took us some time before we finally found a quite place. I was nervous as hell and wasn’t able to look her in the eyes. I felt like a child who was going to tell her parents that she did something forbidden. That’s why I stared down at my hands as if I had gotten an eleventh finger. My hands were shaking badly as well as sweaty. Alex glanced at me full of expectations, but I couldn’t find the right words. I had waited so long to talk to her, to tell her the truth about me. However, through out those scenarios I never had faced Alex in person. Deep down inside me, I hoped that Alex felt the same way about me even though I knew she wouldn’t, but a woman can dream, can’t she? And I did. I imagined that Alex would look shocked in the first place, but that this expression would be replaced by a touched one at nearly the same moment. I dreamed that she would come closer and closer until our lips would meet one another. I pictured that this kiss would be gently at first and than turn into a more passionate one. I fantasized that we would go out of this bar together, hand in hand, convincing each other that we were pure, deeply and madly in love. God, how wrong had this dream been? I looked up at her starting to realize that I couldn’t get away from this situation I had created all by myself.

“Maybe you noticed my curious behaviour lately…back in the cinema or sometime during work. There is a really easy explanation. An explanation that could change everything. An explanation which I’m so damn afraid of. So afraid that I kept it a secret…I just don’t know how to start…” Alex glanced even more confused at me. But how do you explain a very straight woman that you have fallen head over heels in love with her –as a woman? That’s a question for which I haven’t found an answer till right now.

“OK…but I don’t really understand what you’re talking about, Olivia!” Alex sighed and tried to push me to go on. I glanced over to her and was caught in this deep blue ocean of her eyes. I never recognized just how blue her eyes were till this day. I never recognized how red her lips were, how kissable. They screamed for me, they wanted to be touched by me. At the exact same moment I comprehended that I would never be able to. Everything seemed so unfair…so, it still seems that way. Why do you fall in love with someone and experience the best damn feeling existent when you aren’t able to fulfil it? How is it possible that something as sweet and pure as love could turn into something painful and frightening?

“Around you I behave differently…I can’t be myself because I’m scared to death. I pretended that everything was fine that my whole soul didn’t scream for a release, but I can’t go on with it, that’s why I needed to talk to you…Maybe I should start with something easier. You know. I…God, I never thought it would be that hard.” Again I began to babble without a concrete concept of what to say. I was never ashamed of being bisexual, because this is just who I am. But during some cases involving gay people I got the feeling that Alex wasn’t utter tolerant about this way of life. I looked up again. That was when I saw Munch approaching us. I was going to tell this stunning woman in front of me that I had fallen for her and the ol’ good Munch was interrupting us. I should have taken this as a premonition!

“Sorry ladies, but have you seen Fin? I need my private chauffeur!” Hell, he did in fact interrupt us for such a nullity. If I hadn’t been so focused on my next steps, I would have socked him on the jaw. After Alex and I told him, that we weren’t certain about “the actual location of his driver”, the blonde already got her attention back to me.

“You were about to tell me something that seems to be very important to you.” God, if she had known just how true this was, I assume she wouldn’t have pushed me.

“Yeah, that’s true. You know, this isn’t easy for me. Above all this is because I sensed your attitude towards the whole issue. But I can’t stand the pain of hiding any longer.” I stopped. That had already been very hard, and I hadn’t even started with the root of the matter. I didn’t know how I should get through this evening without disgrace. But I had finally made up my mind. And there were no other options. I mean, I couldn’t run away or pretend that I’m not in fact Detective Olivia Benson. Right, I’m one of New York’s finest Detectives so I couldn’t just funk out.

“I’m bisexual…that means in fact, that I swing both ways…I know that this is somehow very surprising for you because I kind of hide my sexuality. I just think that it’s no public business…OK…that was the easier part of this conversation, I guess.” I wasn’t able to look her in the eyes, afraid of what I might have seen there. At least I was talking to ADA Cabot, one of the straightest women I had ever known. The weird thing about this evening was that I never had any ambition to let her know about my sexuality. Sure, I talked to Elliot and we even created a pros-and-cons-list for whether or not to make myself exempt from my dark, painful thoughts. I mean I hadn’t done such a thing for almost twenty years. In the end there was the same number of pros and cons and I was more confused than beforehand. I dared to glare at her and what I saw was the expected expression of disgust. I had a lump in my throat and I seemed to be unable to stop my tears from running down my cheeks. Nevertheless, I promised myself not to cry in front of her. I didn’t want her to find out that she meant everything to me…to be sincere; she still means that much to me although Alex is the most arrogant, most intolerant, most bitchy person I’ve ever had the possibility to get to know. But that doesn’t prevent me from loving all her good sides. The irrational thing is that I know that I should stop thinking about her. I should try to forget her. But tell me, how is it possible to forget the one that got straight to your heart from the first moment you laid eyes on her? I felt a single tear rolling down my cheek before I continued to get myself into deep doo-doo.

“The reason that I told you this lil’ secret is that I…God damn, I face the most violent perpetrators each day, I really should be able to tell you this, shouldn’t I?” Before I finished this question, Alex laid her hand on my shoulder and squeezed it lightly. I don’t know why she did it, but I know for sure that it didn’t help to ease my tenseness. I couldn’t stand to feel her that close, so I freed myself from under her touch. I felt like sitting on the fence. On the one hand, I just wanted to tell her and on the other I was afraid to let her in.

“I kept this a secret, even though it is a part of my being. I’m afraid of the consequences that go along with my soul striptease. Why am I so damn terrified about coming out with emotions?” I stopped for a moment before I continued. “Normally, I don’t identify myself through out my feelings. I don’t let them overwhelm my logic. But those feelings go far too deep to pretend that they don’t exist. I know that what I’m about to say right now will change your attitude towards me, but I can’t stand the closeness any longer. Alex, I’m in love with you. Yeah, I absolutely mean what I just said. I’m in love with your smile, with your blue eyes; I’m even in love with your kicking-ass-attitude…God, only by saying this I could break out into tears,” I swallowed hard. I was worried that my voice would forsake me. But I wanted to go on. I had finally found the words I had been searching for and those damn tears weren’t going to stop me from my aim.

“I kept this whole thing private out of shame, because you made a lot of annotations which let me despair. Every time you hurt me; again and again. Every time you ripped out my heart, because in the end you despise me, hate me because of who I am. Just the thought, that in your mind I am something perverse, let me burst into tears. I try to hate you for this, but it seems to be impossible…I tried not to think about it, tried to focus on other things; however, I failed a hundred percent. At the latest, after our movie evening I knew that I had to admit it. Admitting what I tried to fight. Admitting what I tried myself to defend against, tried to block out of my system. But I had already lost the influence on my own feelings. It had been too late…It doesn’t matter how hard I try to banish you, I’m not capable to.” I chattered. I think in the first instant Alex didn’t even believe me. She looked sceptical. I don’t know why I was so surprised about this fact. At least I had hidden my way of life from everyone except for Elliot and Kathy. It is ridiculous because I’m a grown woman and I should stand up for who I am. And normally I do so, but Alex is an exquisite example for the kind of humans who doesn’t accept me. It aches like hell, much more than anyone could ever imagine. I’m not allowed to be the one I am. I’m not allowed to love the one I have fallen for. The thoughts were running through my head and I had no control over them. When I glanced over to her, I saw the helplessness reflected in her eyes. That was when a wave of sympathy washed through my body and soul. I made her feel uncomfortable. Kicking myself in the ass for it, I hoped desperately for her to say something. I let her in and everything she did was observing me like an eagle the mouse. Finally her lips moved and I felt a shiver going through my body. What did she have in mind? What was she about to tell me? I wasn’t ready for her to punish me! And I sure as hell wasn’t ready for her to disclose her antipathy for bisexuality.

“That was…is unexpected and I really don’t know what you want me to say about this…,” she waved her hands and pointed out to me. She couldn’t even say it. “You know, I don’t really have a problem with you being…bisexual. But I can’t return your feelings and I’m on a loss here.” Alex crossed her arms in front of her chest and hid her self in her lawyer mood. “If truth be told I don’t know what you want me to do. Ok, I understand that you’re in love with me, if that is even possible, but that doesn’t change anything. And I sure as hell am not bisexual or anything like this. I haven’t a clue what you aimed with telling me. I mean, how do you expect me to react?” Alex asked me bewildered. She looked straight at me, but I couldn’t dare to look her in the eyes. What should I have answered her? I thought I had made my point clear. I thought I declared that this wasn’t about me thinking my feelings were mutual but needing to ease the weight from my shoulders. Why couldn’t she see how deep this went? Why couldn’t she see how much this affected me?

“I don’t expect you to do or say anything about it. All I needed and wanted to do was trying to explain my latest behaviour. I was more than sensible of your straightness and I never dared to hope for you to return those feelings, but I hoped for you to understand. Everything I ask for is…I know that it will be a hard one for me, but I need a little distance so I can suppress my feelings and start over. Therefore I request space.” That was harder than exclaiming my love for her. I asked her to stay away from me even though I knew it would eat at me. But that was the only way to get her out of my system. I had seen her nearly each day and I couldn’t imagine a week without seeing her and without arguing with her. Could she sense my uneasiness?

“That works for me, because this is a new situation and to be honest I don’t know how to handle it. I’m not familiar with a woman falling for me…I feel very uncomfortable and in avoidance of any complications through out our work, we should try to be professional and evade any private involvements.” I was shocked at her statement although it was my purpose. I wasn’t able to stay in her presence, so I walked back to where Elliot stood, waiting for me. I glared at him and tried to smile, knowing I would fail miserably. He patted my shoulder, trying to give me some support, trying to convince me that I had done the right thing. When he grabbed me I didn’t refuse. I was too exhausted, too outworn to rebel against him. Elliot led me out of the bar in the cold night. I froze and I didn’t know if it was because of the iciness or because of my emotional breakdown.

“I really did it, El. I really declared my love for her and I feel much more pissed than before. Why did I put myself in this damn situation? I mean what was I thinking about letting the “ice queen” in?” Those were the last words before I broke down and collapsed into Elliot’s arms. I don’t remember how I got to my apartment. Everything I remember is waking up in my bed, in my lonely bedroom with a splitting headache. In the first moment, I thought that everything had just been a bad dream, before realization settled in. I didn’t trust my body to move, that’s why I laid completely still. The events from the last evening came back and hit me very hard. You know, when I told her the truth I thought I would feel better afterwards. But it just didn’t occur. It was much more the opposite – I felt worse…still feel like an idiot. I had the queasy feeling that I had made the biggest fault of my life. I took a deep breath and saw the two of us standing there in the bar. Myself, how I tried to explain her, what was happening inside me. Alex, how she looked down at me – doubtful and blind. I understood that it had been hard for her to listen to what I had said. But at the same time it had been very hard for me to open up. I couldn’t stand my thoughts, running through my head like that, therefore I stood up. I strolled through my apartment, trying to focus on everything but Alex. I wanted to forget her and the only helpful thing that crossed my mind was jogging. I prepared myself for a very long working-out before I left the warmth of my home, heading towards the Central Park. At the moment I took my first step on the ground of the Park I wanted to run in the opposite direction. In front of me was no one but the object of my pain. She looked me up and down. You know like she did look down the perps she examined. From the good colleague to a perpetrator that was definitely an exciting career. I don’t know what I saw in her eyes because I hadn’t seen this expression ever before. Not even during her worst cross-examinations. After several seconds she continued her jogging without greeting me. It seemed as if I was nothing more but a stranger. How was I supposed to handle it? How was I supposed to bear the thought that I had messed up everything? I watched her, stared sceptical in her direction until I couldn’t see her anymore. Had that really happened? I mean, had she really mustered me and than gone back to her working-out as if I hadn’t been there? Sure, I asked for distance, but that didn’t mean for her to ignore me. It hurt and I felt tears streaming down my face. I started running and running and running. There was so much anger and frustration inside me and that had to get out. I don’t know how long I just jogged without recognizing my surroundings, but I finally ended up in front of her building. I wanted to go upstairs to her apartment, explaining her, what she did to me. That was when I saw her with some friends of hers. Laughing, smiling, and joking. I wanted to be the one who makes her smile, who makes her feel comfortable. Again she looked me up and down as if I was nothing more than a bagger. I got the hint and turned on my heels. I glanced over my shoulder for a last time, but Alex was already back with her friends, leaving me alone. Leaving me out there in the big ocean where she had thrown me in.

The next week at work Alex continued her ignorance and left me suffering. Suffering for who I am and who I love. We barely talked to one another. Just in case of professional matters. I know, that it was the way I wanted it. What I haven’t known back there in the bar was that it would hurt that badly. You know, I didn’t even dare to look at her, not wanting to make her feel even more uncomfortable. My only presence already did that to her. Now, seven month after I let her in, it’s still the same. We still don’t talk to one another. I still pretend that it doesn’t bother me. But what’s so much more important, I still feel the butterflies in my stomach when I catch her sight. I still can’t get her out of my mind. Alex is still the woman I want to be with till the end of my days. And on the other hand, I hate her. I hate her for shutting me out. I hate her for not accepting me the way she should do – as a friend. But above all I hate me for believing in her, for trusting her.

Just because I wanted her to know the truth I threw everything away. Everything that might have been is out of my hand now. I don’t know the reason for telling her the truth, for letting her in. I should have recognized that she didn’t want to. Now I stand here in the cold, pretending not to feel. I pretend that she hadn’t ripped out my heart. I pretend I hadn’t seen the smile on her face when she did so. But who am I to fool myself? Love hurts. I never wanted to experience this all by myself, knowing HOW true those words are.

FIN

~~~~

A/N: Thanx to everyone around for inspiring me (Maria (Elliot), Caro and whoever is out there who wants to be named). You know, most thanks go to Sophie (Alex) because without her this story would have never worked out that way. So thanks for hurting me without any regret till this very day.